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Month: July 2016

Schizophrenic Plays The Blues Guitar And Sings Improv For Son

This song is about my feelings of being happy for my son’s first birthday.  I want to give him good advice so he can be an outstanding success in all areas of his life.  This is why I find it so easy to improv over E.  But I’m a schizophrenic and I hear voices and it drags me down.  The question is how can I use the schizophrenia to better my life.  The answer is to get the Cancer voices to help me stop smoking.  And all the other non useful and hateful garbage.

But this is just a taste of what a schizophrenic can do on the guitar and with his voice and with his mind.  If you have authority out there and want to look into developing me, you and I could strike a deal.  Play music, record albums, play shows.  I don’t know how much of that I would have left in me though.  It makes me tired just thinking about it.  All the pot, cigarettes, and alcohol.  I am having a glass of wine right now.  It’s the last of my wine.  My wife still has some white left I think so I may be stealing a glass of that later.  Stealing is such a bad word though, it’s more like I’m in the process of replacing the wine.  But really I’m not going to be buying any more alcohol for a while.  I just am valuing the money.  Spend it on food.  And drink water.  That’s the plan.  And after my body is recovered from the smoking I can start running.  That would be an outstanding success if I could do 2 miles 5 times a week.

But who am I kidding, I love drinking and smoking.  I just got to stop though.  That’s all there is to it.  Start running.

But i must win the lottery.  My standard for money is to what I want with who I want when I want to do it.  The lottery will give me that.  And It will feel good.  I feel good now just thinking about it.  You have a credit card to pay off the voices say.  That reminds me of a zero balance.  Great the voice says.  She’s in front of me a little to the right.  I must win the lottery I think to myself.  I must stop smoking cigarettes even more than I need to win the lottery, which is alot.  My book might sell, you never know, and that could give me the money I need.  I could get a record deal.  That could pay me.  I’m not ashamed of it either, I’m doing it for money.  And for love of the art.  To create. And be paid for it.   Professional.  I can still write 7 books and work a part time job.  I do need to pay off my credit card at least 400 dollars a month.  But I can keep the rest I make to live off of.  And I could write 7 books.  My life story.  2 decades.  I’d be happy with a 7 part series.  Leave my work behind.  I think life is worth what you make it.  I’ve just made mine worth millions of dollars.  At least that’s the goal.  I would like to make over 100 million dollars one way or the other.  That’s the goal.  Really I must win the lottery to realize that kind of money, because I just don’t know that there’s any other way for me to get that kind of money.  Could 7 books do it?  If they were massively successful, each book selling 20 million copies I probably could make over 100 million dollars selling books.  The experts will tell you I’m crazy, but I’m not.  I just see it the way I want to see it.  And i can, and I must win the lottery now.

I want to live that life now.  And write my books on the beach.  That would be the life… why wait until your books become successful when you can have it now?  Write books, play the lottery… you never know what could happen.  Especially if your actively focusing on winning the jackpot like I am.  I’m certain that one day it’s going to happen, and I’ll win an outstanding jackpot.  I was thinking about tonight’s drawing earlier today and I was thinking will I win tonight?  The answer I heard in my head was no, tonight was not the night.  Despite hearing that I wrote all this shit down.  You’re not even supposed to share until it happens, but it’s just part of my life, some people might even call me addicted to gambling.  But i’m not addicted, I’m in the process of winning the JACKPOT!  That’s just the way it goes.

But I love you and want to thank you for reading this.  And listening to me freestyle on the guitar.  Thank you and I love you, please leave a comment.


I’m writing this post because I’m fascinated with the internet.  I could be working on my book and putting the time in there but I can always get to that.  I can get 2 pages in about 2 hours.  That’s my goal everyday.  Two pages in the book.  I’ve been writing it since the beginning of the year.  I probably have about 125 pages now.  Though I’ve lost count now.  I’m going to print out a copy I can edit in January.

My father in law told me when I edited it to make sure it flowed.  That actually happened, it wasn’t in my head.  A lot of the shit I hear happens when I’m writing, and smoking, and drinking.  I’m having a glass of rum right now.  It’s pinapple.  My wife bought it when we were at the beach.  I basically drink whatever’s in the house.  I’m going to make a video you can watch, about me… after this blog post.  I like that you have to read before you watch the video.  It gives you something to work with while your watching.  Youtube videos are fascinating ways to grow in your life.

But write on this blog, market to the world.  Market myself.  Me, and my book.  If the people like the blog and they like the videos they may want to buy the book.   And they will be able to do that.  At least that’s what I’m certain of.

But I’m drinking rum and smoking cigarettes and smoking pot because I’m feeling down and a better word for that would be underwhelmed.  I learned that from Tony Robbins, to change the words you use to describe yourself.  I was feeling blue and I thought instead it made me feel underwhelmed and that was the word I would use.  It actually did make me feel better about it.  But I need to stop.  I need to get sober and start working out 5 times a week.  Running 2 miles 5 times a week.  The voices tell me then I would be in just regular shape.  I think it would be an outstanding success.  That’s what I’m going for in my life… outstanding successes…. and anyone can do the same thing.  It’s magical. You and I make the winning touchdown…. and you write a book and sell a million copies of it…. and write other books that also sell a million copies of it, because you have a following of buyers who will buy your book even if they can get it for free.  Just to have a copy, and maybe a copy to give.

But this is my life, writing and drinking… it’s what I do.  Lay out in the sun the voices say.  It’s a female voice and I think all the female voices in my head are sexy.  Isn’t that special she says, and then she says that we have a writer on our hands.  I don’t think I hear the voices as much when I’m not drinking or smoking.  That’s part of the reason being on disability would be such a blessing, but they most likely would never give me assistance when I can work 25 hours a week and 50 on the holidays.  The holidays only come a few times a year, and the rest is part time work… so disability would help but I don’t think they would ever give it to me, that is unless they heard about my family.  And my credit card debt…. and want to help me out.

But i’m a mild schizophrenic and I’ve never been hospitalized.  I’ve wanted to go to the hospital before, but when it really came time to go, I decided I had to find a job just to pay to live.  I was going to work for Dominos at one point… but the crew was all very young and I didn’t think I would fit in there… they all wanted to have fun and me just being old and tired.  The place I work at now is a great fit though.  I only have to work part time hours for most of the year and they love me there.  They call me outstanding.

But if I could make as much as I want to make on the books then I won’t need disability.  They don’t consider you disabled no matter what you have going on if you can make 1000 dollars a month.   I’ve got the hiccups I’m trying to silence with wine.  It’s not working.  I want to think up ways of how I could be more exciting.

Like writing at the beach.  Drinking frozen rum drinks, the red ones and writing in the shade.  I probably couldn’t do that with the kids on the beach.  Being a parent really kills you sometimes.  It also makes you live.  Live like you never lived before.  Change things the voice says.

My grandmother thinks the voices are good for me because their helping me to stop smoking.  I’ve gone 2 weeks in the last month without smoking them.  I want to stop again and just be over it… but i could definately go another week without them.  Not smoke at work.  I was going to go outside and smoke another one but I unconionciously sat down at the chair and started to type.  I still want one.  His voice says I can have one now.  I need to make sure I stay steady on my medications.  I’m pretty good about taking them everyday.  Want to keep that up.  I think they help.  I’m better.  I’m outstanding now.  I have alot to look forward to.  Family wife.  My daughter getting married, Charlie having girlfriends and maybe getting married.  I don’t know what he’ll want to do.  I guess getting married is up to him, but I would advise him to have his things in order before he gets married and not do it like me, after getting fired from a job I could have worked my whole life at.  The voice, her voice says I’m leaving someone and someone else too.  I don’t know what their talking about.  They tell me there was something bad with my  last employer and that it was racial.  I halluiciante a ceiling fan.  It moves in shadows.

The voices tell me to try to be clean and I agree with them.. I still want to drink the wine I just bought for the weekend and the writing… I figured I only had to drink 2 glasses of wine to get the pages I needed and I could stop after that.  Some times I would continue on and sometimes I would stop.  I think after this drunk I’ll be ready to quit it.  The voice tells me I’m battling for my life.  Don’t nod out of me they say.  I felt like nodding out at work today.  I get to sit down after all the work is done and just wait on customers.  I wanted to fall asleep sitting with my brother while he ate his cheesesteak.  He loves cheesesteaks.  Gets them from everywhere.  Only eats the fat part of the fries… I hear my brothers voice tell me it’s a heart hasard to be smoking…  He does love those cheesesteaks.  I like em too.

TIme goes quick when your writing.  It only takes the readers minutes to read what you wrote that took you hours.  My dentist tells me it’s a gift that I can write…. which means not everyone can do it… but I think everyone can do it…. and everyone can make a million dollars off a book.  I think it’s not only possible, but probable when you put you mind and your work effort into it and pump it out all the time.

Negative the voice says, theres no pleasing it now… it wants what it wants and it wants to think a certain way.  I don’t know what their talking about with the Hemmingway and everything.  Famous writer maybe.  In the end he kills himself with a shotgun and my voices say so.  I want to smoke another cigarette and drink another glass of wine… In that order, but I want to have the wine with me when I’m smoking.  It’s a not so good habit that I need to break so I can be free of the bill for it.

But I just smoked another cigarette and got another glass of wine.  I gave myself another 12 minutes to write before I make the video, well see what comes out, another minute has already passed.  Im going through a coughing spell and it makes me feel like throwing up.  I feel lightheaded now.  But writing is a way some people make their living.  They even make enough to do what they want, with who they want, whenever they want… and that is the lifestyle I MUST have.  No matter which way it comes.  But I must write, even though I feel sick, like I work.  I’m doing outstanding though, at my work now.  I feel so sick i’m about to pour out the glass of wine I just poured.  It came on suddenly and I dont’ feel good.  I may have to cut you a raincheck for the video, go upstairs and rest.

I love you, good nite.

So I’m Writing An Outstanding Book That You’ll Love Reading

And I really can’t wait to share it with you.

I was thinking about giving the first 125 pages, maybe more to a guy I met last night.  I really liked him.  His last name is Friend which fit his personality.  He said he had depression and knew other mentally ill people and tried to soothe them.  He’s getting a job as a social worker so he can’t smoke weed….

And I’ve been doing plenty of that…. I just got a quater… I used money from my savings to get it, and it’s a huge disapointment to my wallet.  And to every other area of my life.  And I’ve bought 2 packs of cigarettes since I’ve been back from vacation.  And it’s only been 3 days.

I started writing on this blog today because I felt inspired to do so.  I wanted to work on it, to Love it.   I was writing the book and I got just shy of a page and came over to the blog.  I’m drinking wine and I’m on my second glass.  I’ve smoked about 4 bowls today.  3 before I left for the dentist and 1 when I got back.  I’m fucked up.  I need to try and go sober again.  And not smoke.  Be an exsmoker.  The only thing I might not give up is the pot.  I don’t want to smoke when I’m comitted but still have a little pot.

But the book I’m writing is alot like this blog.  I write from the heart, I just come to you with direction and with speed.  I love writing and must make it my profession.  I also must win the lottery.  And these two things go hand in hand.  In fact I shouldn’t even be telling you this because it’s top secret material.

But I’m a schizophrenic and the voice is now telling me, it’s a female voice, and she’s saying that what I’m writing about it awesome.

And I’ve learned that writing for free will lead people to want to buy more of your words.  And you can make a living.  But my standard isn’t just to make a living.  It’s to get rich.  To make a million dollars in one year.  That would be amazing.  The experts would all say that it’s impossible and at best a slim to nill chance.  But the experts are wrong. I must win the jackpot now.  I have my sights set on this Powerball.  The drawing is tomorrow.  I must win the jackpot so I can continue to drink and smoke pot and smoke cigarettes and know that it’s paid for for life.  And I can write with the inspirations of all those substances.  It’s a holy experience getting fucked up.  It also makes you sick and I’ve got to get sober and quit the cigarettes.  For more than one reason.

But I guess this is the bottom.  I’m going all out with this writing thing and it’s driving me broke because to write I drink and smoke.  I have a good time and it makes me sick thereafter.  It’s not even a question if I sleep in on the days I don’t work.  I just hit snooze, turn the alarm off and go back to sleep.  It’s a habit.  One I would like to break.  Get up at 7 everyday and go running.  That should be one of my rituals.  And I need to turn my should’s into musts.  I must get up at 7 am every morning and go running.  I must also win the jackpot now.

But it’s now 3:49pm and I’ve smoked another bowl, helped my wife weed the outside patio and smoked two cigarettes.  They were my last two of the pack…. Not going to buy anymore.  I must stop smoking cigarettes.

I’m drinking another glass of wine though.  This writing on the blog is a good thing.  Give it away for free.  It’s genius to get a mailing list off a writer’s blog and send out 30 days of poetry, or writing… words to people.  Sell them a book in the process.  Make a million dollars off each book.  Mine is going to be a 7 part series.  It’s going to take me a couple decades to complete.  2 years for each book.  Maybe more.  If it took me 20 years I’d be 52 when I was finished.  I could and hope to live alot longer than 52, I’d like to live to be 100.  The voices tell me I’m going to get sick, that I am sick from all the substances.  I must be an outstanding success in all areas of my life.  I must win the jackpot now.  I MUST WIN THE JACKPOT NOW!  And you can win too, and I hope you do…. and there’s plenty of jackpots out there for everyone.  I love you and I want you to know that.  Thank you for reading.  Aww the voices say.

But write, that’s what I say, and make your fortune with your mind, with your thoughts.  I’m certain this is going to work out for me and I want you to be certain too.  Find what works.  You’ll fail along the way but that’s just the learning curve and be certain you’ll get to where your going.  For me I’m going towards a jackpot lottery win and a 7 part series of books about my life and my mind.  People want to read this shit, they tell me so.

But I had a good upbringing.  I met my wife young and didn’t know what the hell I was doing with my life but I got married anyways.  Totally irresponsible to start a family without a way to pay for them.. I fucked up and I’ve been trying to make it up ever since.  We’ve been married for 5 years.  It’s been a good five years but there’s been alot of ups and downs.  In the last 4 years it’s stabilized though.  It was a little rocky there for a while me acting the way I was.

But I told her about it all, I was honest with her and I told her I wouldn’t do it again, and that was enough for her to stay with me.  She just kept doing the laundry.  I’m fucked up and done some fucked up shit and that means I have some fucked up Karma.  It’s mostly good but there’s some bad in there too.  Some pretty fucked up and disgusting shit.  Like smoking cigarettes for 13 years. I started smoking right around the time I started going with my wife too.  Smoking is bad though and my wife is good.  In fact my wife is outstanding and I’m a very lucky guy.  She’s why I can afford to write a book.  All I have to pay is my credit card bill, the netflix, and the fee for this website.  Not much considering I don’t pay any of the mortgage. I must raise my standards so that I’m doing the supporting around here. I must win the jackpot now.  That would take care of things.  I would be an outstanding success in the area of finances.  It would be amazing.  And you can have it to.  You can MANIFEST THIS SHIT.  LOTTERY JACKPOT.  NOW.

But in about an hour an a half were going to be leaving to go to the carnival.  If that gives you any idea about who I am and the man I’ve become I’m spending time with my family.  We’re going to have pizza before we leave.  That’ll be good considering I’ve been drinking all this wine. My wife went shopping today and bought some food so that’s a good thing.  She’s an outstanding success.  She supports our family.  She’s the only one doing anything around here.  I help but I want to provide.  I want to be the sole provider.  I could do that winning the jackpot.  I must win the jackpot now.

But I’m still thinking about how I rocked it out last night and my finger was bleeding and I got a blister on the tip of my finger I was playing so passionately.  I was living like I was putting on a world class rock and roll show.  I paid 100 dollars to have that experience and get a quater of weed. Worth every penny.  When i win the lottery I’m going to get a band together and we’re going to rock out.  They say I have talent.  My dentist told me writing was a gift, that I was gifted.  She said that today.  She’s a very caring doctor.  The pain of going to get your cavities filled is a good pain that makes you stronger.  Everything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger they say… but getting your cavities filled is like running, it hurts when your doing it but it pays off long term.

I thought I was going to stop at 1200 words but I just kept writing.  When it’s good it’s good.  It’s outstanding.  My writing is an outstanding success.

You’ve got girls in your head the voice says.   I think that’s all for me now, going to eat pizza and go to the carnival with my wife, son and daughter. Thank you for reading, I love you because your a person and so am I and it benefits you to love yourself and you are just an extension of what I am, so therefore I love me, which means I love you.  It’s beautiful.  I love God too.  It’s fucked up and he’ll probably give me righteous discipline in this life, but I must win the lottery.  I must win the lottery jackpot.  I love you, good night….

And read on and explore the other posts if your interested and want to keep reading, I encourage you to jump in and transform.

Notes On Tony Robbins’ 10 Keys To Success By Jesse Creel

So I watched a video this morning and it was Tony Robbins talking about his 10 keys to success.

Really it was just a guy who put together some clips from Tony Robbins’ seminars and called it Tony Robbins’ 10 Keys to Success.  Either way it was helpful and got me thinking about my life and what I believe and who I am and how I can make my life more of what I want.

First, and what seemed to be most important, as he spent the most time on this point, was that you’ve got to RAISE YOUR STANDARDS.

What that means is that you have to make unacceptable limiting things that are holding you back by raising your standards for what you will accept in your life.  Robbins’ says you don’t always get your goals but you always get your standards.  If your standard is to just pay your bills every month then that’s what you’ll get.  But if you raise your standard to having enough money to do what you want when you want with who you want, then that’s what you’ll get. He said it’s simple but true.

I don’t know how much of this stuff I’ll be able to put into practice in my life and make work for me.  I’ve stopped drinking and smoking so that’s a major triumph but I must have more money to do the things I must do with my family to make my life work.  I think that maybe my karma just sucks and that I’ve screwed too many people over in my life and done too much bad shit that that is the reason why despite all my efforts to be successful I’ve failed.  I really want to turn my life around though.  Get out of debt and contribute more to my family.  That’s a new standard that I can work towards and make progress towards.  Once I hit that standard of living I can move on to raise my standard where I am taking care of my family and we can do what we want when we want with who we want all the time.  That would be a truly glorious life.   I hope that one day I am forgiven for my trespasses against my fellow man and that I can rise to be an outstanding success in all areas of my life.

Robbins’ also says about raising your standards that when something is a must you will find a way.  That’s alot different than a should.  A must is something that must happen.  You will find a way.  Humanity has an amazing ability to accomplish things when they become a must he says.

So it’s important we all find out who we are.  Ask yourself who am I?  What kind of answers do you get?  You’ll find that your behaviors, or your rituals as Robbins calls them are in line with who you believe you are.  I think I am an ex smoker.  I believe I am an ex smoker and that I’m sober and my actions are lining up with that.  I’m drinking a copious amount of coffee and taking my life to the next level.   Robbins’ says we stay consistent with who we think we are.  He also says that wants don’t get met consistently but standards do.  I need to raise my standard NOW to have enough money to do what I want when I want with who I want.  NOW.

The second key to success is to be truly fulfilled.  Robbins’ says there are three gifts people have either one or all of them.  Talent, management, or entrepreneurship.  For me my gift is writing.  I can write.  I can write well, at least that’s what I tell myself.  That I’m a gifted writer.  I love writing, and I love blogging, and I love writing a book.  I love leaving a legacy behind me in the form of words.  Something that people can read and find out who I was.  Something I can read and find out who I was being.  A tool for personal growth also as well as a form of artwork.  For me being truly fulfilled means writing, and writing with passion.

The third key to success is that progress equals happiness.  If your making progress towards your ideal life then you’ll be happy no matter where you are in the process.  I’m happier even though I’ve only been smoke free for about two weeks…. although that doesn’t count the couple times I cheated and smoked some cigarettes.  I’ve got to stop that though and be faithful to my commitment to myself and quit smoking altogether.  I’m making a lot of progress though and it does make me happy.

The fourth key to success is to love your customers.  This key would mean more to me if I were still in sales.  As loving my customers would mean more meaningful connections with people, more repeat business, and in the end, more money.  I work a little job in a sandwich and ham shop where I get paid by the hour, but still I think I will put into practice this key even if it doesn’t mean I will get paid any more.  It will probably make my life better anyways bringing more love into it.  Love for people.  That’s been one of Tony Robbins’ personal keys to success.  And I do love people.  That’s just the way I am.  I would like to help them more, to serve more, to do more.  And it comes from my love for them.

The fifth key to success according to Robbins’ is to add value.  If you add value to what you do people will look at you as an expert and seek more of your material.  Right now I am trying to add value by writing this report on what I learned from this Tony Robbins video.  It has enriched my life and I think my diagnoses of it will help enrich your life as well.  That’s just what I think.  We’ll see if that’s what it does….  but I’m certain it will help as many people as there are that read this.  I try to add value to the book I’m writing by talking about not smoking and not doing drugs and not drinking although I used to do a lot of those things and I did them for years.  It changed for me when I woke up one more and had several cigarettes and I smoked a bowl of weed and then threw up.  Throwing up was something I was becoming accustomed to and I would continue to smoke the bowl even after I threw up.  It was disgusting and I never wanted to do that again, so I gave my cigarettes away and I’ve been done with them ever since.  That was on June 23rd, 2016.

This is where Tony Robbins sort of loses me.  I’m no CEO of a fortune 500 company and I’m not even selling anything right now, but the sixth key to success is as he says, to have an exit strategy.  I think by this he means know when and who your going to sell your business to if the time comes when you want to have to sell it.   If you want more information on this step I highly recommend you watch the video yourself and see more about this information.  It’s worth it to watch the video for the first step alone.  Go bananas and watch the whole thing.

The seventh key to success is to be resourceful.  Robbins’ says that leaders don’t believe in limited resources.  I guess you could say that they could come up with the means to make something happen even if where it was going to come from wasn’t first apparent.  Robbins’ says that resourcefulness is the ultimate resource.  I would love to cultivate more resourcefulness in my life, but mainly, right now I think it comes down to me working as much as I can.  And I’ll be able to work more at a highly level of quality now that I’m sober.  I think I’ll feel less like vomiting on a regular basis and that will be good for everyone.  I’ll have more energy to accomplish my goals and become an outstanding success in all areas of my life.  Which, really is the only thing I will accept at this point in my life.  To become an outstanding success in all areas of my life.  That is my new standard.  So be it.

The eighth key to success is to pay attention to the little things.  Small failures add up to big failures or catastrophes and it seems like one thing came crashing down on somebody when it was a bunch of small failures over time that really killed them.  For me it’s sleeping.  I went to bed at 10 pm last night when I hadn’t written anything in a week.  I really wasn’t even tired, and I could have stayed up a written but I went to bed.  This is a small failure that if I keep up will add up to a big failure of lack of discipline which will lead to regret.  Robbins’ says that discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.  At least he heard that from somebody and shared it in the video.  It makes me want to get some coaching.  Get somebody to look over my blog and tell me what I can do to make money with it.  Tell me what I can do to improve it so I’m adding more value to people’s lives…. tell me what I can do to become an outstanding success with the blog and my book and my life.

The ninth key is to look for leverage.  This was a short point but as Robbins’ put a powerful one.  I’m not even sure what it means though.  Clearly I need a lesson on leverage.  One of the quotes in the Tony Robbins book says that you give me a long enough lever and a strong enough triangle and I can single handedly move the world.  I guess this point means that given the right tools you can multiply your strength and do more with less.  Powerful.  I should look for ways I can multiply my own strength and do more with less.

The tenth and final key to success according to Robbins’ is to change your mindset.  As I said earlier Robbins’ said that one of his own character traits that has led him to success is that he loves people.  He wants to help them, as many of them as he can.  He also said that he demanded from himself to be in an outstanding state all the time.  He didn’t elaborate too much on this point and the video went pretty quick after he got through the first key, but it was still good to watch the whole thing.

I think Tony Robbins is an excellent role model and an outstanding human being.  I must be more like him in my own life.  I hope you got something out of this post.  I love you and hope the best for you.  Thank you for reading…. Jesse Creel.

Schizophrenic Writes At The Beach On A Family Vacation

And I feel kind of sick from all the beer and rum I drank yesterday.

I’m doing okay though. I stopped smoking again… I had a relapse after 6 days of not smoking and I’m still through.  I’m fed up with what it does to my body and my wallet.  Mainly my wallet.  But also my body.  I would like to get a six pack and have some more muscle.  My tooth also fell out so I’m going to have to get it put back in the next time I go to the dentist.

But at any rate after this vacation, I need to get sober.  I’m going to committ to not drinking anymore.  I’ve already quit the weed, and I’m ready to quit drinking I think and transform my body.  I want to start running.  I want to attach massive pleasure to exercise.  Massive pleasure to not smoking.  Massive pleasure to writing.  Massive pleasure to reading.   This is just the way it goes.

We’re going to church today, at 11:30.  My grandparents are here and they always go to church no matter where they are so their a good example.  I like church and I like tithing.  I attach massive pleasure to tithing.  I’m really working this Tony Robbins book and trying to make changes in my life that will make my quality of life better, and hopefully make the quality of life better for those around me and those I come into contact with.  I want to contribute.  I want more money.  I want miracles to happen in my life.  This blog is a tool to make some of those miracles happen.  I believe like my mother told me that writing is a win win…. no matter what the outcome.

But my desired result is to get the book published and sell a million copies of it.

That would be a miracle, unquestionably.  I don’t know that a journal book like mine will sell a million copies but I think it will.  Tony Robbins would probably tell me if I really want to achieve that I should probably find ways to get certain it’s going to happen.  And I don’t want to just write about it…. I want it to become part of my being.  The sentence, I am certain my book will sell a million copies.   Make a movie out it.

But it’s 1:47pm and were in North Carolina at the Outer Banks.  Nags Head.  The women are out shopping and it’s just my dad and my son here at the condo overlooking the beach.  It’s windy outside.  I’m not ready for a beer yet so I’m drinking the leftover coffee from this morning.  My dad is around doing something.  I’m writing.  It’s best to write when the children are asleep.  Gives me time to myself.  I really enjoy writing.  I’m certain I can make a career out of it, though Bukowski probably wouldn’t like me.  I’m a schizophrenic and I see stuff and hear stuff.  When I was resting my eyes this morning I saw Bukowski in my mind and then I heard a voice tell me that I wasn’t a writer.  Babe, you’re not a writer they say.  But I’m certain that I am a writer. And I’m certain this blog and my book will be discovered.  And I’m certain that my efforts in life and work will make me rich.  And I want to become even richer.  Not smoking is a good start.  I quit again yesterday.  I smoked the rest of my pack. Now I really am ready to make a change now.  NOW!   I am committed to not smoking anymore.  Being on vacation is the right time and the right place to stop smoking for good.  My body feels wrecked.  My side feels weird, the fat in my midsection has formed in a strange way, indented in some places.  I need to get in shape.  I need to be fit.  I need to be addiction free.  I need to be rich.  I need to be a better father, and husband, and family member, and employee, and brother, a better community member, a better guitar player, a better citizen, a better example, a better role model, just better.

Tony Robbins talks about the process of continual improvement.  How making changes in little things you do everyday will make big changes in the future.  Right now I’m focusing on not smoking, and saving money there… but I can do more.  I can run, and do crunches and pushups.  I can work with the weights my wife gave me as a present and tone my arms.  I can go from flabby to fit.  I have little love handles when my pants fit tight.  The pants push the fat out.

I’m not really fat by any means, but I have some extra weight, maybe 10 pounds that I could stand to lose…. maybe a little more… and get more muscle.  I’ve been thin for most of my life, but after getting on the medication for the schizophrenia I gained some weight.  The medication’s side effects my body has adjusted to so I can get up a little easier now that I’m used to the meds.  They make you tired, you gain weight, but other than that there’s really no side effects.  It’s probably not good that I drink as much as I do on the meds, so I really need to get sober, but I’ve been on them for a year and half and I’m still going so I must be doing some things right.

In fact I do alot right.  I struggle sometimes, but I’m working a job part time and I do an excellent job there according to my bosses.  It’s the first time in years that I’ve been able to hold onto a job and work it consistently and I think credit is due to me being overwhelmed by debt.  I currently owe 13,000 dollars to my credit card and I can thank network marketing, and smoking and drinking for that bill.  It’s really time to clean up and I think that the only time I should be drinking is when my family has a party.  It doesn’t happen that often so I would pretty much be sober most of the time.  And I could pay my credit card off in a few years.  Not spending more than I make and living within my means.  I’m putting 400 dollars a month towards my line of credit.  I should be able to pay the whole debt off quickly living within my means.  I can entertain myself by writing.  And reading.  Massive pleasure for me is associated to these things.  They are means for self improvement and I have a passion for self improvement.  It’s about time I quit smoking.  It’s not in line with the man I want to become.  And not to mention it’s killing me and I can’t afford it financially.  It may even be too late for me.  I already feel like I’ve wrecked my body.  But I believe in the power of my body to heal itself and become better.  I believe that by not smoking and exercising I can take control of my body and become fit.  I believe that if I continue not to smoke and start exercising that in a few short months my body will transform and I will be in good shape.  I will have more energy to work and play and live.  And to do it with love like I heard in church today.  Do the little things, starting at home with love, they say.  It’s a good message and one I can put into action into my life immediately.  I already try and work with love and I think I do a good job at it.   It’s not really tangible but I think it has a effect on my life.  More peace into the universe now.

I’m really looking forward to being published and getting my life more to where I want it to be.  I want to travel and sign books for people and have converstations about schizophrenia and overcoming challenges that people, you and I, face everyday just living.

And not just schizophrenics but people from all walks of life from all over the world.

It’s a big dream but with God’s help I think I can accomplish it.  And write for a living.  Make a lot of money.  Sell alot of books.  I have to get myself to follow through with this.  Move in the direction of what I want and not act based on fear.

And what I want is success.  Doing what I love to do.  It’s possible but not probable.  But I cannot accept any energy that contrary to where I’m moving to.  And where I’m moving is a million copies sold.  If I got paid a dollar for each sale, which is modest, I’d be a millionaire.  How do I do that?  How do I sell a million copies of my first book?  Get it published and let the words do the work.  I only have to write my first book once and it will work for me for as long as I live, and it will work for my family for as long as there is this country, and a culture that desires to read.  I’m creating a legacy.  That’s an amazing feeling.  I’m leaving words behind me.  And not just any words, but words that are designed for self improvement, and empowering words and words that employ self discovery with each line.  The juice, the pizzazz is there, I just know it. What every writer needs.  To get the juices of the reader flowing.  To keep them turning the pages.  Bam Bam Bam Bam Bam Bam Bam Bam Bam.

But to wrap it up, I’m blessed and grateful and I seek to contribute more to the world.  Continual improvement for the rest of my life.  My best to you, and thank you for reading this post.  I appreciate your patronage.    God bless you and your family, and God Bless this country, and God Bless the world.

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