JesseCreel.com

For Self Improvement Since 2016

Month: November 2016

So I’ve Been Hearing Clicking Sounds On The Computer Screen

Yes, it’s been weird with all the voices at work but it’s been fun and it’s been good too.

But I’m paying my wife more money.  I’ve been working more because of the Thanksgiving holiday so I had more money to give.  So it’s going to be a nice Chirstmas.  We’re going to get our tree tonight.

We have a birthday party to go to.  A friend of ours.  Her daughter.  It should be good to see them.  They gave me the weekend off at work, which was like a dream come true.  So I have time to do things with my family.  Tomorrow I’m changing the brakes in my wife’s car.  My dad is going to help me do it because he’s more mechanical and has all the tools.  It doesn’t take long to do it.  Just have to take the tire off and pop off the brake pads, put the new ones in and pop it back on.  Then put the wheel back on and your done.  I’ve seen him do it a few times.  I help.

I had some wine last night, my wife bought it and two pizzas. I hadn’t had anything since last weekend.  I’ve just been so busy working that there was no time to drink, no money, no health to drink.  I needed food when I was working.  That’s what kept me motivated.  And I was making money!  Happy as a clam.

And the company I work for is great.  They give you all kinds of free stuff and bonuses during the holidays.  They say it’s the most important time of the year and if it weren’t for the holidays they wouldn’t exist. So they give you money and wish you peace and love in their letters to you, the ones that come with money, and they tell you your important and thank you for working.  It’s really very nice.  Makes you want to work there.

But I’ve been driving the truck and I hope that I can keep driving it.  I love driving the truck.  I love doing the deliveries.  It’s something that I can do.  I can also lift and I do some of that too.  50 pound boxes over and over again.  Taking them from one spot to the other.

But I love my wife and I love my family and it’s my number one priority to spend time with them when I’m not working.  We went to Laurel racetrack on Thanksgiving.  It’s a tradition that we started 4 years ago to go on Thanksgiving.  We see and pet the horses and place a bet on one of the races.  They give away free coffee and donuts, and if you buy a program, which only costs 3 dollars you get a free pie on your way out.  I bought the program just for the pie.  They also had basketball games that cost a dollar per turn and air hockey that we played.  We took lots of pictures.

Just wanted to update my blog, still have things to do today… hope your holiday goes smoothly and many blessings to you and yours.  Thank you.  Jesse Creel.

So I’m Going To Stop Praying To Win The Lottery

Because I have been and I think that God is trying to tell me something with my dreams.

I’ve been having nightmares where bad things happen to my wife.  She dies or gets beat up.  Maybe it’s not about the lottery and it’s more about how I’m living my life right now.

This really is all shit.  I am shit.  I do nothing.  I don’t earn alot of money.  I barely give to my family.  I keep smoking even though it’s killing me.  I keep drinking even though I don’t feel good about it.  The best I can do is just get into work and pay off my credit card bill.  Stop spending on the credit card and pay it off.  I can do it.  I know it’s going to be hard but I think I can do it.  I’ve got to give more money to my wife, and still pay off my credit card.  Really I have to quit smoking and drinking.

I threw my weed pipe away and I haven’t bought any weed in a couple weeks.  I’ve just got to get sober and do the right things.  Be a better example for my kids.  The schizophrenia wants me to die.  I’m having a glass of wine right now.  I need to turn my life around and quit worrying about who I should vote for.  I have the idea of writing in Tony Robbins for president though that would really be a waste since he’s not in the running.

But I’m through partying for now.  I’m going to drink this glass of wine and be happy with it… and drink no more.  I hope I mean what I say.  I’m sure that I will want more but it’s not good for my spirituality to drink so much.  And God is important to me.

I hope I can change and become a non smoker sober runner.  I think that would do wonders for my life.  The country would still be going to hell and who knows when the world is going to end but I would be in better health and fitness and those are paramount to a successful life.

Right now I just want to lay down.  I went for a bike ride to the gas station to get a lottery ticket even though I’m not going to pray to win anymore.  I’ll pray I can love God more.

I don’t think I’m going to make it in sales.  The schizophrenia bothers me too much.  It makes it seem like the world is against me.  It really bothers me.  I have to let go and let God.  I have to just work in the store and cut the meat.  I have to just do customer service.  I have to get sober and stop smoking and start running.

I say all these things and I don’t do them.  It makes me mad at myself and I want to beat myself up but I know that that will only make things worse.  I have to get my life together now for the highest good of all concerned.  And leave the rest up to God.  I don’t know what’s going to happen though.  I’m a little concerned for myself and my family.  What my actions are doing to them.  I think I may need help.  Maybe I should start going to alcoholics anonymous meetings.  I don’t know.  I do know that I’m making a mess of my life which is making a mess of my children’s lives.  I have to start over and commit to living a healthy life.

God help me and God help us all.

Sales Stuff From Honeybaked Ham, And Playing For The 198 Million Dollar Jackpot

So I did my second day of sales operations at Honeybaked Ham where I work hourly.  They pay my mileage and I still get hourly.  I’ll get a bonus if I sell anything.  I’m leaving it in God’s hands.  I’ll love God either way, whether I sell or I don’t, whether I win the jackpot or I don’t.

But I hope I sell and I hope I win.  I would have to sell alot of Honeybaked Ham to move my family out of our small townhouse and into one that they could each have their own rooms.  I was thinking just now as I was smoking a cigarette, my third since I’ve been off…. that my son could set up shop in the basement of our townhouse if worse comes to worse.

But I hope I win.  I hope that we can move into a 500,000 dollar house.  That would be big enough for everyone.  We could all have our own rooms.  My wife and I could share a room, Cali my daughter could have her own room and Charlie my son could have his own room.  And we could live a great life off of the money that I hope I win.

It’s not out of the question.  Some people win big.  It’s happened to seven people already this year of 2016.  I could be the 8th.  The jackpot is for 198 million and that would be plenty to sustain us for the rest of our lives.  I hope I win, I hope I win, I hope I win.

But I’m leaving that up to God and just trusting in him that he will take care of me and my family.  The voices have been going nonstop for several days now and they only rest when I’m sleeping, and I’ve been having disturbing dreams.  Dreams where my wife dies and I yell fuck and slam my fist on the dining room table in front of her father.  Dreams where I get robbed by a mechanic and then he beats the shit out of my wife with his goons and I figure that I have to go save her so I decide to get out of the car and go die with her.  At least we would have been together.  I can’t help but feel I bring bad situations onto my family.  I have problems with drinking and smoking and it effects my health, my body, my mind and the schizophrenia.  I just can’t stop.  That’s what I’ve been saying to myself.  I can’t stop.  I hate soberity.  That’s what I say to myself.  I wish I could be sober and happy but it just hasn’t happened yet.  I hope that it does and that I’m a better example for my daughter and son.

But the voices have been telling me to die, that I’m going to die, and that this is my last year.  That I’ll die at 32 like Jesus did.  They also tell me that I’m high.  They also tell me that my wife is the reason my life is so fucked up.

They tell me that I’ve already won the lottery, and that I love.

But I’ve got to go into work tomorrow and I’ll probably won’t be doing any sales stuff.  Back to cutting ham, making salads, and helping the customers.  I work two more 8 hour days and then I have the weekend off.  I actually am doing the best I have in years with work, getting promoted and being well liked by my bosses.  My hope is that I sell well and win the lottery.  But like the bumper stickers that were all over the truck I saw today as I finished up my sales work…. “Real men love Jesus”.  That’s all there is to it.  I have to love God and be happy with what he gives me.  I’m still going to repeatedly ask to win the jackpot because I need that to get a bigger house.  Tonight I’ll get down on my knees and pray to God that he lets me win the jackpot.  I’ll ask again and hope that he will deliver.  The voices say he will and he won’t so I’ve made up my mind to assume that he will and my life will be made to be enjoyed.  At least that’s what I’m hoping for.

So here’s to God, and here’s to the Universe and here’s to winning the jackpot now.  May I win tonight and drink champagne tomorrow.  And may I hit my sales numbers at Honeybaked Ham, because that’s important too.  And may I have good dreams about my family and may I be a better man.  And may I live a 100 years in good health and may my family do the same.  Healthy, Wealthy and Wise for me, my family and all the rest of the world.  Thank You and be well.

Jesse Creel

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