That day I speak of is my wedding day.
We were married on June 25th, 2011. We recently had our 6 year anniversary and spent it on the road, coming back from another wedding in North Carolina.
For our 6 years I got my wife a necklace. I went to a place right next door to where I work when I got off and picked her out the one I thought she would like best. I would have liked to spend more, but I don’t make much, am in debt, and have wasted a ton of money on drinking and smoking.
Still, I couldn’t go without buying her something, so I put it on my credit card and vowed to pay it off.
I will never forget the day I got married, as any man would. I heard somewhere you should show your scars, so I wanted to write about the one I have on my wedding ring finger. I got cut, I don’t know how, right before we were married, and the bizarre but fitting thing is that the scar from where I was cut is in the shape of a heart. The skin never completely separated from my finger and the ring kept the hanging skin in place. To this day, if I move the ring up my finger just a little bit, it will expose the scar that is in the shape of a heart. The bottom of the heart faces inward, towards me. Fitting and I’ll tell you why.
Marriage has been difficult for me. I’ve done things I am ashamed of. I wasn’t a good husband when we first started. I had a gut feeling that we weren’t meant to be together. I felt like the world was telling me I shouldn’t be with her. That we weren’t meant for each other. We had emotional conversations with each other where tears were shed and she did everything in her power to tell me that she loved me and that’s what we needed to be together. I did love her, and I do love her, but that went against everything my gut was telling me. It was telling me that bad things would happen if we stayed together. That it wasn’t right for us to be together. I have been a schizophrenic since before we got married, but I wasn’t diagnosed until 2014 when the voices telling me I had cancer forced me to consult a doctor and he told me I was a schizophrenic.
Since I got married I have been hearing my father in laws voice in my head and he mostly gives me bad advice. He tells me to drink more all the time, he tells me to die smoking, he tells me to get cancer. I see him on a regular basis and when we are together I still hear his voice in my head, and he tells me he can hear what I’m thinking. My schizophrenia seems to lead me to believe everyone can hear voices, that they hear my voice, and the voices of everyone else. It’s as if my thoughts are on display for everyone that’s around me. It makes me want to vacation in a log cabin in the woods, where there are no other people around, just nature. I can handle when the animals and trees talk to me.
I don’t know if it was just schizophrenia, or if it was a combination of drinking too much, smoking too much pot, smoking cigarettes, generally living my life out of balance, and fooling around with marrying someone that was way over my head. Either way, I lost the best job I ever had at a guitar factory for losing control of my emotions. I was hearing music that told me to kill myself, and I was taking offense to it, as if everyone there was plotting against me, didn’t like me or hated me, and wanted me to get lost. It was a tragic end to a job where I excelled. I fell and it was very difficult to find another job that I could work well at.
I have found that job, a job I can do. They keep promoting me so that’s a good thing. I’m drinking less, and I’ve recently called a help line to quit smoking. My quit date is on July 15th, 2017. I must quit because I’m feeling pain in my body that I believe without smoking I wouldn’t be feeling.
I am at a crossroads in life. My gut tells me I’m never going to make it online. It tells me my only shot at becoming a millionaire is to win the lottery. And that’s my gut talking to me, as a schizophrenic. When it talks to me I can see written words in my midsection and it tells me things that would completely change my life if I were to follow it.
As of yesterday, it was telling me I should win the lottery jackpot, and then leave my family so that I can have sex with other women because “I want”. My gut also tells me that if I stay with my wife my life will end in tragedy. That leads me to what I experience on my honeymoon.
After sex at one point, when we were in Cane Garden Bay, a beautiful place, my father in laws voice said that our marriage would “end in divorce”. This was on our honeymoon! Imagine being told over and over that your marriage was a mistake but there was no way to stop it from happening. All in your own mind! And the reality is no one else can hear these things, even though it seems like they can. So my wife goes on living like nothing is wrong, and I’m hearing all these screwed up things about the end, and death, and cheating, and it makes me want to get out. From day one I wanted to get out.
The way it happened though is that my wife’s will was stronger than mine. I tried to end it, I even demanded that she give me back the ring… but it was to no avail and she ended up keeping me. 6 years later we have a 4 and 1 year old, and are living our lives together the best we can. She is a teacher and I work at a ham store, and she supports our family. She is the breadwinner, all I do is support a little. She pays the mortgage and all the bills. It embarrasses me, but that’s the way it is.
I can’t say that I’m not trying to become the primary breadwinner and move us into a bigger house, retire my wife so she can raise our kids full time, and live a life that is the calling for all men. I was in church recently and they said that men had a “divine” calling to support their wives. It made me feel bad that my it’s the other way around with my wife and I. Still my wife seems happy with the way things are going, and she tells me she loves me and holds my hand. My father put it accurately “it could always be worse”.
To this day, I am told to die in my head, and that my life will end “in prison”. The voices are persistant in seeking my death, but I command myself to LIVE and I try to do the right things that are going to lead to better quality of life. Reading, journaling, blogging, meditation, visualization, exercise, eating right, quitting smoking, listening to podcasts are among some of the things I do to create that better quality of life. I still don’t know if I should work with my hands or try to make it in sales at my current job, but all I know is that I need to quit smoking.
The statistic is that 90% of schizophrenics smoke. I would like to be a part of the 10% who do not. It has ruined relationships and made me an unhealthy person, and I seek to quit for the good of everyone. It’s not too late for me, I can still create a better life.
I will always remember June 25th, 2017, the day I married my wife. Our life together has been a mess, and one I am still in the process of cleaning up, but there is a silver lining to everything. She loves me and my kids make me smile so no matter what the voices are telling me I can take shelter in that. The voices are a nightmare I can’t wake up from, but they make me stronger. They help me to decide what I want and what I do not want. They test me, and it’s time I start passing the test and be faithful, not smoke, be happy, and live.
This is a personal development blog aimed at helping me to orient myself, and I hope that you too can benefit by reading it. I encourage you to explore it further, and continue to check back for new posts. They will get better with time. If you want to make it easy on yourself, you can subscribe to my list and I’ll send you updates to this blog so you know when a new post comes out.
Here’s to you knowing what you want, no matter what the voices or anyone or anything else tells you,
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Stab writer's block in the heart.