There was a time when I thought I had no limitations.

I tried to be a rock and roll superstar and make it like the Rolling Stones and take over the world.

I failed.  And became a schizophrenic.

I also had a family.  Got married and had two kids.

Now my kids are 4 and 1 and I’m just working to help support them the best I can.

My wife does most of the work.  She is a teacher and makes an average salary.  Enough to keep us in our little town home and keep the lights on and the dishwasher running.  I would not be able to do what I do if it wasn’t for her.

So I have support and Thank God for that.  But the desire to become independent of my wife is strong in me.  I want to make more money.  Right now I work at a little Ham shop where I do deliveries, help the store run, and make sales calls.  I’m working on becoming a successful salesperson there.  And with that I have the opportunity to make more money.  But I only make 15,000 dollars a year and even if I did sell my ass off I doubt I would even be able to come close to doubling my income.  I may be able to make another 1,000 dollars this year selling it through bonuses.  That would help but it’s still nowhere near where I need to be.  And thus my struggle with accepting my limitations and living with schizophrenia.

You see, last night as I was visualizing winning the lottery, which I have done some of in the past too, I imagine the excitement of winning and how it would look and feel.  And then out of no where my visualization takes a turn that I have no control over and in my mind I’m tackled by an unknown person.  It’s as if the schizophrenia doesn’t want me to win the jackpot.

When I was working in sales at another job I would visualize selling my desired number of packages and the same thing would happen.  There would be a shadow that came in to consume me.  To bite me and to stop the visualization.  It’s really a pain in the neck.

What does the schizophrenia teach me in this way?

The answer is not simple.  And it’s a hard fact to choke down.  I, because of my problems visualizing success probably will never do anything that breaks records, or even comes close to outstanding success in winning the lottery or in sales.  At my job now, mostly what I do is unaffected by the schizophrenia.  I’m working with my hands and just have to do my job.  There is no visualization required to perform a good job at my current job and do the job well.  So really, I count my blessings that I even have a job, and that I have an income.  So my limitations may include not making more than 15,000 dollars a year.  That is really a hard fact to choke down.

Granted, I could make something of my writing if I keep reading and write valuable things.  Tony Robbins says that wealth comes from being valuable so what I can do is read and write and get my work out there and see what happens.  It’s worth it to write whether I make anything of it or not (meaning whether I’m paid well to do it or not) because I grow in the process.  I improve and become a better person.  More valuable.  And that is invaluable to me.  Reading and writing really is a gold mine.  For schizophrenics, and for everyday people.

So I’m accepting the fact the right now, although I could improve in the future, that I am only capable of making 15,000 dollars a year.  I am accepting the fact that I will probably never win the lottery.  I am accepting the fact that I will probably never be a six figure earner as a salesperson.  I am accepting the fact that I will probably never make it in music, rock and roll, blues, or anything like it.  I am also accepting of the fact that my writing will probably never make me any money.  I hope I am wrong, but these are safe assumptions that can serve me by increasing my humility.  And humility can serve me by bringing me back down to earth and allowing me to work my job distraction free.  And working hard and fast is valuable for the mind body and soul because your making an honest living and doing the job well.

But boy would I like to make 6 figures.  Even 7.

I suppose it comes down to how much I can learn.  How much I can read and turn my reading into value for my readers.

But I guess that is just my failure to accept my limitations.  And that is probably a good thing as it keeps me striving to get better.  I know I can’t just go out and get a sales job and sell my ass off.  I have to keep my 15,000 a year and work with that.  Try to quit smoking so I can save more money and help to support my family the best I know how.

But I think my limitations can serve me by allowing me to be grateful for what I do have.  Because with a family, I am very blessed, and money isn’t everything.  You could always love God, because he gives you everything you need to grow and become a better person.  Really, with free will, it comes down to you to make those improvements and change your life.  What I do accept is the challenge to improve.

So I suppose that as M. Scott Peck says in his book “The Road Less Traveled and Beyond” to paraphrase… life is full of paradoxes.  And accepting your limitations while attempting to improve yourself is exactly that, a paradox.  Peck also said if I remember correctly that if you have a paradox on your hands your probably standing in the light of Truth and that what you have discovered is actually the way things are.

So I am improving within the constraints of my limitations.  I accept my limitations and work with them, but I also seek to improve and break through into new ground.  A paradox.  One that I am happy to have in my life.

Thank you for reading this post, may you break through your limitations and set the bar higher for yourself, and may God Bless you and yours now and forever.