I’ve been drinking too much and I’m still smoking cigarettes.  I did throw out my bowl however, today.  I put it right in the trash.  It’s garbage anyways and it’s probably the reason I’m a schizophrenic.  Which makes me think I’m dying all the time.  Which is no good.

Probably more than anything else… what makes me think that I’m dying is the drinking and smoking.  I feel terrible.  I’m recovering now from a drunk that lasted probably since my birthday… which was on the 14th.  I drank everyday and it made me sick.  I’m tired of doing this to myself.  The beautiful thing is I can change.  I must change so that I can live a better life.  The voice tells me now not to drink.

I wouldn’t even be writing on this blog because it’s a bad day and I don’t like to write about the bad things about my life and put it on the internet but I can’t find my journal.  So I’m just putting it out there.

One positive thing I can get out of this day is to change my life. Become a nonsmoker sober runner worker, lottery winner, good family man.  I’m afraid my son is going to take after me and bad things will happen to him living a destructive lifestyle.  So I want to change so I can be a good example for him.  I want to be the example that I never call out of work, I don’t drink,  I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke.  And I give my family as much money as I can.  I’m going to have to find a way to pay for their colleges and for Cali’s wedding… if she does get married.

The point is if you drink and smoke you can possibly end up like me.  Miserable and calling out of work.  Letting yourself down, and all the people who depend on you.  And you will be a terrible example to your children who need you to teach them how to live.  I’m 32 and I’ve been getting high, drunk, and all around fucked up for years and I hope that I can stop now and embrace water, good food, and exercise.  And give up smoking.

I hope that today I take on this new life and commit to changing.  I hope that the blog posts to follow will be ones that have committed to my change and progress and that I can share with you stories of health, love, success, growth, and wealth.  God willing I will make all of these changes and live a long and happy life full of enjoyment.  Even enjoyment as a non smoker sober runner.  And be a strong role model for my children.

God help me.