That is the goal.  That is the desire.  That is the aim.

I haven’t yet won the jackpot, and I haven’t made any sales, yet, with Honeybaked but I’m in the process of doing both.

I won 3 dollars on the scratch off I bought yesterday.  I’m planning on buying more until I hit the jackpot and win the 10,000 dollars.  Then I plan on winning big with either the Mega Millions or the Powerball at the size of 397 million.

I bought 4 six packs over the last 3 days, and I have 4 beers left plus the half of one I’m drinking now.  When I drink the beer I sing, and I pray and I think and I visualize.  I visualize receiving the check for 397 million dollars.  I told God I was going to keep praying until my dreams manifest into reality.  I shouldn’t even be telling you this because it’s a secret, but I like to write and I like to be honest.

And you wouldn’t get the full picture of my life without telling you I plan on winning the jackpot.  In fact I have already won it, inside.  It’s only a matter of time before it manifests on the outside and when it does I’ll be writing to you from my 3 million dollar house, or from the beach of some paradise on my mac.

And I’ll be drinking.  And enjoying my time.  Because this is all we have, this one life.  Who knows what’s next, whether it be heaven or hell.  I’m probably going to hell, as Jesus said it’s harder for a rich man to get into heaven then it is for a camel to get through the eye of a needle.  So that’s that.  This one life and then it’s done.  I want to live fully and give of myself the best I can.  That’s what it’s all about for me really, is giving.

And it’s time to give to my family.  I already give them some money but I want and need to give more.  I must give more.  And my idea of giving more is to retire my wife, move us into a bigger house, and take a nice vacation.  Along with that I also am going to buy my wife a new wedding ring.  There will be some other things too, like Jet skis, and a music room or shed, but that will come in due time.  For now I focus on the task at hand which is to win 397 million dollars.  The jackpots are right around 100 million right now, so who knows whats going to happen.  This may be the time for me to win.  God willing it is.

And it makes me wonder if it’s a mistake writing all of this and putting it on the internet.  I’m telling the world my methods and I can’t wait to share that I’ve won the jackpot.  I’ve already won I tell myself.  It’s already golden.  I am a lottery jackpot winner.  My claim to fame, though I’m going to be anonymous.  I don’t want to deal with the media.

But I am extremely hopeful and expectant.  I’m honest and my honesty will reflect a jackpot win, that’s what I’m hoping for, and I think God will deliver.  I know he will deliver.  It’s what I need in my life and God provides.  That’s a fact.  It will be beautiful when I give my brother the check I have for him that’s a million dollars strong.  I will savor every moment of that time.  I really want to give to him because he still loves me even though I’ve fucked up so much, and cheated my friends out of my presence.  I guess the schizophrenia is partly to blame, but really it was just me, thinking the wrong things, and taking the wrong actions.  I’m tired of it, and I have changed.  And I want to change more.  I want to live and work and write, and play just the way I want to.  And I know that I can.  I know that I will.  I know that I’m going to win the jackpot.  Let it be so.

So thank you God, thank you Jesus for letting me win the jackpot and take home a giant check for 397 million dollars.  I know this to be true, I know that I will win.  It’s only a matter of time.  The windfall will happen.  We will move into a bigger house, I will write from that house and from the beach and let you know that I’ve succeeded and help you to succeed yourself.  Write to inspire you and to love you.  That’s the ticket.  The sizzle.  The sex.  The best.

But as for right now I’m breaking all the rules.  I’m drinking and I’m smoking, and I’m telling people all about my plans.  Your not supposed to use drugs or drink when your trying to manifest, and your supposed to keep your plans and your methods a secret.  I break both of those rules, and yet still I expect to win.  I am imagining now a time when I’m writing on this blog and I’ve won the lottery.  I’m going to write for the people that want to win too.  To inspire them and to raise their hope.  That they can do it too.  And I bet that some of them will.  The ones who really want it.  Like a drowning man wants air.  And they’ll have it too.  I know they can win, if I can do it, anyone can do it.

But my wife came down on me for smoking pot and I respect her so I’m not buying it anymore.  Not that I can afford it anyways.  Not on what I’m making now and not before I win the jackpot.  So I’m smoking resin right now out of my bowl, and there’s only so much of that in there, so I’m pretty much quitting the mary jane.

Still smoking cigarettes and drinking though.  I don’t think I’ll ever quit that.  My grandfather loves drinking a few beers and he loves God too.  He’s almost 80.  If he makes it that far we’re going to throw him a big party.  To 80 years.  Hopefully I hit the jackpot before that party so I can really make a contribution to it.  And my grandfather also wants to go to Mardi Gras one time with the whole family.  That would be outrageous fun.  All the drinking and all the tits.  Nudity welcome.  My daughter would fit right in, she’s always taking her clothes off.  She’s only 4 so she’s allowed at this point, but who knows what the future will hold for her.  All I know is that I’m going to hit the jackpot for 397 million and the numbers that are going to be the winners are going to be my families birthday numbers.  Go ahead and play them, I’ll split the jackpot with you.  It doesn’t matter to me how much I win, just that I win the jackpot.

But I’d rather have the whole thing.  There’s always another jackpot for you.  I really think I can do this, I really think that I can win the jackpot.  And I think I can do it exactly the way I am right now.  Smoking res, drinking Samuel Adams, and smoking American Spirits.

But the 397, with my numbers written out on it is right there where I can see it every time I go to get my car keys.  It’s a constant reminder that I’m in it to win it and I just won’t accept it any other way.  I must have the jackpot.  I must have the jackpot win.  I must have it created the way I see fit.  397, my families numbers.  That’s the way I see it going down.

And time will tell if I’m right.  I’m now glad I’m writing all this down so I have a way to capture it in time.  My blog is dated, and it’s mine, I own it…. and I can refer back to it whenever I want to.

But all of this really is probably just material for a comedian to make fun of.  I haven’t won, I’m putting it out there that I have, and I’m writing as if I have over 100 million dollars in my bank account.

I hear voices, they talk to me everyday.  They tell me things like commanding me to die.  I refuse.  Sometimes part of me wants to die, but I refuse that part of me as well.  The voices tell me I’m going to live forever, and I know that I’m not.  I have this stay here, and after this that’s all.  So why not design the life that I want to live.  One where I’m wealthy and have provided for my wife and two children.  One where I make art as my full time job, and get damn good at it.  Music and everything.  Just without the pot.

I used to call pot, cigarettes, and alcohol the holy trinity.  To get you through life.  Because it just damn sucks.  Got a average sized dick.  What are you going to do with that?  Be average…. who wants that?  I want to be outstanding.  I want to triumph.  I want to be amazing.  I want to live fully and give fully.  I want to embrace love and live with it.  I feel moved by it.

But I was writing a book.  I decided it was too personal to publish and that I wasn’t going to pursue publishing.  Really I’m in a different place now then I was when I first starting writing it.  I was struggling just trying to work part time.  The schizophrenia had me wrapped around it’s finger.  It would tell me to call out of work, and I would!  Against my better judgement.

But I’ve hated alot of the jobs I’ve had ever since I’ve really failed in sales.  I spent 5 years in sales and network marketing.  I didn’t do well at all. I never recruited one person to join my network marketing company.  Then when I wanted to start it back up a few months ago, my counselor talked me out of it.  He told me that I would feel guilty if I was very successful like I wanted to be.  That I would be putting people into debt and hard times and that would be the case the majority of the time.  Rarely would I recruit someone into the business and they would be successful at it.  Like the position I’m in.

I was convinced and determined to sell it though.  And I had some killer videos.  Just me talking, me selling.  The best shit there ever was and ever will be.  That was me.  Just didn’t have the people to see it for a long enough period of time.  It’s costs money to be in those things and you have to pay it every month.  I was paying 125 dollars a  month and I just couldn’t afford it anymore.  I even had dreams of the boss coming and pulling the cord on my television set.

So really I’ve just had to come to terms with the fact that I have to work a low paying hourly job to make anything of myself.  There’s still room to grow where I work, I just got a raise, but I don’t make much working at a franchise restaurant.  Especially when I only work part time.  But all things considered I’m doing phenomenal.  I’m holding a job, I’m going into work everyday, and I’m giving my family money.  I have problems like the 14,000 dollars I owe on my credit card… but that could be solved in a night.  I just have to pay it down the best that I can now, and win the jackpot.  Survive and win.

I love you.  I just want you to know that.  I know that if you’ve read this, this far then your a champion.  Your a finisher.  You start what you finish.  You are awesome.  I love you.  I love God too, and my family, and alcohol, and cigarettes, and money, and the lottery, and I am a love bug.  I love everything.  Everything has it’s place.  Some things are sad and tragic, but that’s fucked up and it’s all the same anyways.  Life goes on.  You could even love those sad and tragic things because you know they have a part in things too.  Like death.  It’s a part of life.

They say the only thing that’s sure is death and taxes.  I’d like to add one to that list.  That’s winning the jackpot for 397 million playing my families numbers.  I would love that, that would be the ultimate.  I know it can happen.  I’m making it happen right now.  If anyone ever reads this they’ll think I’m a complete nut.  That is until I win, then they’ll think I’m a miracle maker.

That’s all for now.  I love you… here’s one to growth.