Yes, you could call me a schizophrenic.
But only if I told you I heard voices everyday. And had visions of people. People I know.
And the voices sometimes, a lot of times tell me to drink. And a lot of times I do.
And basically I’m just praying I live. Considering I smoke too.
I don’t advise this kind of writing to anyone, it’s too dangerous.
But reading it you might get a kick out of it.
I imagine feet.
That’s just how a schizophrenic writes.
I do my best though, and I really do want to bring massive value to the table. And what I can tell you is even if your schizophrenic and drink and smoke everyday, you can still hold down a job and give some money to your family.
It would probably be more kid friendly without the smoking and the drinking, but they get by.
And I think my son has hater’s before he’s even done anything. Because of me. And my drinking and smoking. Having a beautiful family.
Really I probably do lead a God damned life with all the drinking, smoking and lottery playing.
But that’s not stopping me from living.
And they say it’s a bad thing, but it’s legal!
What I have to do is find a way to get more traffic so more people see my list and will subscribe to it.
Because that’s how they say you can build a business.
It’s already costing me money to keep this site running, and I’m not making any money off of it yet. I hope I will. I hope that this is one of the ways I make my money. The other two being my job and the lottery.
But really some authors think you should keep it a secret. I say let it out and that way when you win people will have something to look at. The story leading up to the win. They can look back on it, and learn from you, and hopefully for some of them they learn how to win the lottery too!
Because that would just be awesome. Getting a testimonial or several from people who have read your work, and then won the lottery. Hit the jackpot. Shared it with another person or won the whole thing. Stories of both. Because you won and shared what you knew. It had a positive effect on the world.
The bible would probably say that is God damned too. The bible with all of this God damnedness.
I’m probably no better than the devil though. I’ll probably burn in hell when this life is over. I’m a schizophrenic and when I go to church the preachers voice tells me not to drink and it makes me shaky. I know they are just voices, but sometimes it’s like my body is listening to them when they tell me to die.
But I know it’s not. I know I just have to be stronger. I’m only 32. I could suffer another 20 or 30 years this way. This is far from over. And I might even quit the life and live clean and sober and start running.
But really I’m already well pretty accustomed to this way of life. I like it. I enjoy the ride.
Probably would be going straight to hell though, that is if I believed in a hell.
Even if I do win the lottery and give large sums of money away to charity, people will probably call me evil.
That would be me just living life on earth. Taking the lovers with the haters.
I want to walk the walk. So I’m going to write the best blog post I can possibly write, right now.
And how do I create the worlds most valuable piece of writing everyday?
Just write and see what happens.
Probably with the drinking and smoking it will be less than average. Or it will be stupendous.
I don’t know, you tell me in the comments.
What I can tell you is that I’m optimistic about tonight’s lottery. I think I’m going to win. Before I bought the two first tickets I wrote out a page in my journal about how I was a lottery winner, and drank my first glass of wine.
Then I went out and bought the first two tickets.
Then I ran out of cigarettes and went out and bought two more.
So I spent 8 dollars on lottery tickets today, and I’m praying I’ll win. I’m praying to the universe, to my subconscious mind.
And what I’m hoping is that MY subconscious mind is powerful enough to influence a national lottery game.
Maybe I’m trying to catch the breeze with this one.
Maybe I’ll just buy my tickets and hope I win but do no more than that.
I doubt it. I’ll probably never quit, and keep the faith, and eventually win.
I might even win a few times. Just to win more money. Just to be a winner.
If I could design it that’s what would happen. I would win big several times.
I’m hoping that the 165 million on the line tonight is already mine.
I’ll write about it if I win, whether I take the money anonymously or not.
Then the world could see what I’m really all about.
Having schizophrenia, and drinking and smoking, and working a job, and taking care of my family, and cleaning the house, and writing, and playing guitar, and being a brother, and being a friend, and loving food, and dancing.
Well maybe not so much the dancing, but it’s more of a metaphor.
The dance of life.
And part of what I want to tell the world is that I love my wife. So for all of you ladies out there, I’m taken, and I don’t plan on going back to a life of cheating any time soon.
I’m going to have a vasectomy so it will be impossible for us to have any more children, as anyone with schizophrenia should do.
But really, Part of me thinks people just win the lottery. There’s hardly ever any will involved. People win by chance.
Sure maybe they get feelings like they are going to win, but I make myself have those everyday, and I haven’t won. Of course that doesn’t mean I won’t win tonight.
I’ve already done a lot of work to win the jackpot. I think it’s only a matter of time. I would be famous if that happened, and this website and the Jesse Creel brand would explode.
How did I do it?
I drank and smoked, and played to win. I wrote in my journal and I worked hard everyday. I got to a place where I was secure at my job. I succeeded at my job. I helped my family. I got to a better place. I recovered from a loss. Then I won the jackpot. Then I got everything I wanted. It was a miracle. It was my special time. I was a multi millionaire.
That’s how the story goes.
That’s how my story goes. And if it’s madness I don’t care. I like it and I’m a valuable part of society. I deliver food as a day job.
Hopefully your reading this and I am already a multimillionaire. Maybe you want to learn how to do the same for your own life. I tell you my secret. Never give up.
Even if the voices tell you that your wrong and your doing bad things, and things will never work out, and your going to die, you can STILL work a job and be a effective member of your family and your community.
Take the next step further like I do and keep a blog and you’ll start to influence the whole world.
There are going to be some special people that find your work and read your blog. They will leave comments and tell you what they think about it. Most of them will be nice. You will like getting comments. Subscribers would be better, but comments are still good. They let you know how your doing.
And along with my own self navigation and the comments, I am lead to believe I’m doing good. And I want more. I must write. I must deliver the content. To the masses. To my people. To my good people. The good people of the world.
I would say that “All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.” -Ambrose Bierce
If I win the jackpot they will probably call me a prophet. If I don’t a madman.
I’d rather have the former.
And I’m optimistic that I will.
Maybe I might lose some readers, but I stand to gain fame and fortune.
Time will tell what happens.
For now I stay optimistic.
I do the work on the lottery, though I don’t know that my work of writing and praying really does anything to your chances of winning. Spiritually I think it does have an effect on your life. Praying to win. But I do it, because I never give up and I MUST win. And if I get going once, I’m probably going to want to win a couple more times too, and I’m going to write about the whole thing. It really should be spectacular.
And I do rock and roll albums too.
I have one in the works.
You can hear a sample of me playing guitar and singing here.
It’s not much. It’s only about 10 years worth of work. Maybe there is such a thing as not being able to work it into a success, but I can’t accept that.
I MUST keep doing what I do, even if it’s not good.
It’s all I know how to do.
I’m probably just too hard on myself, and I’m really great, I just need to keep working.
So keep working I will.
On this blog, on my job, on my life, on my family, on my friends, on the things that are important most to me. Drinking and smoking the whole way through it.
But maybe I’ll win the jackpot tonight. I’m very optimistic that I will. And that I’ll have a good story to tell about it. And that’s going to happen.
I guess in the end it doesn’t matter anyways. I say go for it. It may be on the edge of madness but it’s also on the brink of genius. Then again, that’s just what I think, go ahead and form your own opinion. Am I crazy, or just crazy good?
Maybe if I got sober I would stand a better chance at manifesting a lottery win. Maybe not. All I know is my story could be killer.
It’s going to be glorious to help other people out, and what comes around goes around.
I hope the best life for you,
Thanks for reading,
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Stab writer's block in the heart.