I’d have a soundclip for you but the fucking thing wont work so I just have to write to you.

How are you?  How was your day?  If you have answers like great, or pretty good, or fucked up, or whatever kind of answer you could come up with we could be friends.

I’m new here, could you help me?

Who am I kidding, I’ve been in the game since I was 16 and driving.  This is all fucked up and I’m all fucked up.  I smoke pot and I drink wine and I smoke cigarettes and the voices in my head tell me I’m going to die and tell me to die…. tell me I’m a cancerous victim.  All that fucked up shit and I still don’t think it’s wrong.  It is wrong, but I don’t think there’s any harm in it.  It helps you live a long life.

As for this blog really it’s for your pleasure.  I don’t get anything out of it… in fact it costs me money!  But I keep it.

For a while there I thought I could start a multimillion dollar business with this blog.  That would really be something.  But I’ve failed at all things sales and business so I don’t have any references for success…. aside from my job where I was making 18 dollars an hour and lost it all.

I lost it all because I wanted out of there.  I wanted to be a rock and roll star.  I wanted my dream to become a reality and it was making the work unbearable.  I was in a place making guitars for the very people I wanted to be.  Really it was the stupidest mistake of my life, losing that kind of money… but I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to get out of it.  It’s a shame I went crazy like that.  And then I got married right after that.  I really tried to pull it together there with giving up rock and roll and taking up sales…. but I didn’t have it in sales.  It just wasn’t me. I’m a rock and roller.  You can hear it in my tracks.  I really wish my phone would work and send me the email with the song on it so you could hear it.

But now all it comes down to is paying my credit card off.  Which means not spending on it, and putting 200 dollars on it every two weeks. The voices are telling me this is too personal to write.  But I don’t make shit and that’s all I can afford to pay.  The voices tell me again I’m too personal, and they say again I’m too personal.  Now I just want to smoke pot and drink more wine.  I think writing about all this shit will be worth it if I ever get sober and become a good role model.  But for now I’m just really fucked up and I wish you could hear my music.

I just took a bowl and a cigarette break and while I did so I listened to the track I recorded today.  It’s good if you listen to it all the way through.  It really feels like a rock and roll song.  Worth an empire.

I hear cracking in the house and then the word cheater from upstairs.  As if I don’t deserve success.

But let’s face it.  I probably am never going to make any money off of this blog.  I thought I heard a gunshot.  I feel sick.  Probably too much of the wine and the weed.  I always do this to myself.  Get all fucked up and have fun and then regret it later.  You’ll just have to wait until I get sober and don’t smoke to have the really good me.  Right now I’m just all fucked up.  And a cheap fucked up.

Not really though.  Not cheap for me.  But I do it because there’s nothing wrong with it.  And it makes the music better.

That’s it for me now.  For some reason I don’t think God wanted me to publish this last recording so I’ll just write you again and keep recording songs that I sing and try to get them up on this site so you can hear them.  I think their solid gold.  I push through the schizophrenia to play that song.

But I’m feeling a little sick.  I have to be at work at 8am tomorrow.  I don’t know when I get off… maybe 3.  I’m going to bring a sandwhich with me.

 

8/17/2016 9:24am.  I found the email I sent to myself.  It took a few days for it to get to me for some reason, but here it is.  I think it’s worth 100 million dollars.  That was my dream and I’ve achieved that state within.  It really doesn’t matter if it ever happens without.  I’m happy.  Enjoy, Love…. Jesse Creel.