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Schizophrenic Writes At The Beach On A Family Vacation

And I feel kind of sick from all the beer and rum I drank yesterday.

I’m doing okay though. I stopped smoking again… I had a relapse after 6 days of not smoking and I’m still through.  I’m fed up with what it does to my body and my wallet.  Mainly my wallet.  But also my body.  I would like to get a six pack and have some more muscle.  My tooth also fell out so I’m going to have to get it put back in the next time I go to the dentist.

But at any rate after this vacation, I need to get sober.  I’m going to committ to not drinking anymore.  I’ve already quit the weed, and I’m ready to quit drinking I think and transform my body.  I want to start running.  I want to attach massive pleasure to exercise.  Massive pleasure to not smoking.  Massive pleasure to writing.  Massive pleasure to reading.   This is just the way it goes.

We’re going to church today, at 11:30.  My grandparents are here and they always go to church no matter where they are so their a good example.  I like church and I like tithing.  I attach massive pleasure to tithing.  I’m really working this Tony Robbins book and trying to make changes in my life that will make my quality of life better, and hopefully make the quality of life better for those around me and those I come into contact with.  I want to contribute.  I want more money.  I want miracles to happen in my life.  This blog is a tool to make some of those miracles happen.  I believe like my mother told me that writing is a win win…. no matter what the outcome.

But my desired result is to get the book published and sell a million copies of it.

That would be a miracle, unquestionably.  I don’t know that a journal book like mine will sell a million copies but I think it will.  Tony Robbins would probably tell me if I really want to achieve that I should probably find ways to get certain it’s going to happen.  And I don’t want to just write about it…. I want it to become part of my being.  The sentence, I am certain my book will sell a million copies.   Make a movie out it.

But it’s 1:47pm and were in North Carolina at the Outer Banks.  Nags Head.  The women are out shopping and it’s just my dad and my son here at the condo overlooking the beach.  It’s windy outside.  I’m not ready for a beer yet so I’m drinking the leftover coffee from this morning.  My dad is around doing something.  I’m writing.  It’s best to write when the children are asleep.  Gives me time to myself.  I really enjoy writing.  I’m certain I can make a career out of it, though Bukowski probably wouldn’t like me.  I’m a schizophrenic and I see stuff and hear stuff.  When I was resting my eyes this morning I saw Bukowski in my mind and then I heard a voice tell me that I wasn’t a writer.  Babe, you’re not a writer they say.  But I’m certain that I am a writer. And I’m certain this blog and my book will be discovered.  And I’m certain that my efforts in life and work will make me rich.  And I want to become even richer.  Not smoking is a good start.  I quit again yesterday.  I smoked the rest of my pack. Now I really am ready to make a change now.  NOW!   I am committed to not smoking anymore.  Being on vacation is the right time and the right place to stop smoking for good.  My body feels wrecked.  My side feels weird, the fat in my midsection has formed in a strange way, indented in some places.  I need to get in shape.  I need to be fit.  I need to be addiction free.  I need to be rich.  I need to be a better father, and husband, and family member, and employee, and brother, a better community member, a better guitar player, a better citizen, a better example, a better role model, just better.

Tony Robbins talks about the process of continual improvement.  How making changes in little things you do everyday will make big changes in the future.  Right now I’m focusing on not smoking, and saving money there… but I can do more.  I can run, and do crunches and pushups.  I can work with the weights my wife gave me as a present and tone my arms.  I can go from flabby to fit.  I have little love handles when my pants fit tight.  The pants push the fat out.

I’m not really fat by any means, but I have some extra weight, maybe 10 pounds that I could stand to lose…. maybe a little more… and get more muscle.  I’ve been thin for most of my life, but after getting on the medication for the schizophrenia I gained some weight.  The medication’s side effects my body has adjusted to so I can get up a little easier now that I’m used to the meds.  They make you tired, you gain weight, but other than that there’s really no side effects.  It’s probably not good that I drink as much as I do on the meds, so I really need to get sober, but I’ve been on them for a year and half and I’m still going so I must be doing some things right.

In fact I do alot right.  I struggle sometimes, but I’m working a job part time and I do an excellent job there according to my bosses.  It’s the first time in years that I’ve been able to hold onto a job and work it consistently and I think credit is due to me being overwhelmed by debt.  I currently owe 13,000 dollars to my credit card and I can thank network marketing, and smoking and drinking for that bill.  It’s really time to clean up and I think that the only time I should be drinking is when my family has a party.  It doesn’t happen that often so I would pretty much be sober most of the time.  And I could pay my credit card off in a few years.  Not spending more than I make and living within my means.  I’m putting 400 dollars a month towards my line of credit.  I should be able to pay the whole debt off quickly living within my means.  I can entertain myself by writing.  And reading.  Massive pleasure for me is associated to these things.  They are means for self improvement and I have a passion for self improvement.  It’s about time I quit smoking.  It’s not in line with the man I want to become.  And not to mention it’s killing me and I can’t afford it financially.  It may even be too late for me.  I already feel like I’ve wrecked my body.  But I believe in the power of my body to heal itself and become better.  I believe that by not smoking and exercising I can take control of my body and become fit.  I believe that if I continue not to smoke and start exercising that in a few short months my body will transform and I will be in good shape.  I will have more energy to work and play and live.  And to do it with love like I heard in church today.  Do the little things, starting at home with love, they say.  It’s a good message and one I can put into action into my life immediately.  I already try and work with love and I think I do a good job at it.   It’s not really tangible but I think it has a effect on my life.  More peace into the universe now.

I’m really looking forward to being published and getting my life more to where I want it to be.  I want to travel and sign books for people and have converstations about schizophrenia and overcoming challenges that people, you and I, face everyday just living.

And not just schizophrenics but people from all walks of life from all over the world.

It’s a big dream but with God’s help I think I can accomplish it.  And write for a living.  Make a lot of money.  Sell alot of books.  I have to get myself to follow through with this.  Move in the direction of what I want and not act based on fear.

And what I want is success.  Doing what I love to do.  It’s possible but not probable.  But I cannot accept any energy that contrary to where I’m moving to.  And where I’m moving is a million copies sold.  If I got paid a dollar for each sale, which is modest, I’d be a millionaire.  How do I do that?  How do I sell a million copies of my first book?  Get it published and let the words do the work.  I only have to write my first book once and it will work for me for as long as I live, and it will work for my family for as long as there is this country, and a culture that desires to read.  I’m creating a legacy.  That’s an amazing feeling.  I’m leaving words behind me.  And not just any words, but words that are designed for self improvement, and empowering words and words that employ self discovery with each line.  The juice, the pizzazz is there, I just know it. What every writer needs.  To get the juices of the reader flowing.  To keep them turning the pages.  Bam Bam Bam Bam Bam Bam Bam Bam Bam.

But to wrap it up, I’m blessed and grateful and I seek to contribute more to the world.  Continual improvement for the rest of my life.  My best to you, and thank you for reading this post.  I appreciate your patronage.    God bless you and your family, and God Bless this country, and God Bless the world.

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1 Comment

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