Because I have been and I think that God is trying to tell me something with my dreams.

I’ve been having nightmares where bad things happen to my wife.  She dies or gets beat up.  Maybe it’s not about the lottery and it’s more about how I’m living my life right now.

This really is all shit.  I am shit.  I do nothing.  I don’t earn alot of money.  I barely give to my family.  I keep smoking even though it’s killing me.  I keep drinking even though I don’t feel good about it.  The best I can do is just get into work and pay off my credit card bill.  Stop spending on the credit card and pay it off.  I can do it.  I know it’s going to be hard but I think I can do it.  I’ve got to give more money to my wife, and still pay off my credit card.  Really I have to quit smoking and drinking.

I threw my weed pipe away and I haven’t bought any weed in a couple weeks.  I’ve just got to get sober and do the right things.  Be a better example for my kids.  The schizophrenia wants me to die.  I’m having a glass of wine right now.  I need to turn my life around and quit worrying about who I should vote for.  I have the idea of writing in Tony Robbins for president though that would really be a waste since he’s not in the running.

But I’m through partying for now.  I’m going to drink this glass of wine and be happy with it… and drink no more.  I hope I mean what I say.  I’m sure that I will want more but it’s not good for my spirituality to drink so much.  And God is important to me.

I hope I can change and become a non smoker sober runner.  I think that would do wonders for my life.  The country would still be going to hell and who knows when the world is going to end but I would be in better health and fitness and those are paramount to a successful life.

Right now I just want to lay down.  I went for a bike ride to the gas station to get a lottery ticket even though I’m not going to pray to win anymore.  I’ll pray I can love God more.

I don’t think I’m going to make it in sales.  The schizophrenia bothers me too much.  It makes it seem like the world is against me.  It really bothers me.  I have to let go and let God.  I have to just work in the store and cut the meat.  I have to just do customer service.  I have to get sober and stop smoking and start running.

I say all these things and I don’t do them.  It makes me mad at myself and I want to beat myself up but I know that that will only make things worse.  I have to get my life together now for the highest good of all concerned.  And leave the rest up to God.  I don’t know what’s going to happen though.  I’m a little concerned for myself and my family.  What my actions are doing to them.  I think I may need help.  Maybe I should start going to alcoholics anonymous meetings.  I don’t know.  I do know that I’m making a mess of my life which is making a mess of my children’s lives.  I have to start over and commit to living a healthy life.

God help me and God help us all.