And I really can’t wait to share it with you.

I was thinking about giving the first 125 pages, maybe more to a guy I met last night.  I really liked him.  His last name is Friend which fit his personality.  He said he had depression and knew other mentally ill people and tried to soothe them.  He’s getting a job as a social worker so he can’t smoke weed….

And I’ve been doing plenty of that…. I just got a quater… I used money from my savings to get it, and it’s a huge disapointment to my wallet.  And to every other area of my life.  And I’ve bought 2 packs of cigarettes since I’ve been back from vacation.  And it’s only been 3 days.

I started writing on this blog today because I felt inspired to do so.  I wanted to work on it, to Love it.   I was writing the book and I got just shy of a page and came over to the blog.  I’m drinking wine and I’m on my second glass.  I’ve smoked about 4 bowls today.  3 before I left for the dentist and 1 when I got back.  I’m fucked up.  I need to try and go sober again.  And not smoke.  Be an exsmoker.  The only thing I might not give up is the pot.  I don’t want to smoke when I’m comitted but still have a little pot.

But the book I’m writing is alot like this blog.  I write from the heart, I just come to you with direction and with speed.  I love writing and must make it my profession.  I also must win the lottery.  And these two things go hand in hand.  In fact I shouldn’t even be telling you this because it’s top secret material.

But I’m a schizophrenic and the voice is now telling me, it’s a female voice, and she’s saying that what I’m writing about it awesome.

And I’ve learned that writing for free will lead people to want to buy more of your words.  And you can make a living.  But my standard isn’t just to make a living.  It’s to get rich.  To make a million dollars in one year.  That would be amazing.  The experts would all say that it’s impossible and at best a slim to nill chance.  But the experts are wrong. I must win the jackpot now.  I have my sights set on this Powerball.  The drawing is tomorrow.  I must win the jackpot so I can continue to drink and smoke pot and smoke cigarettes and know that it’s paid for for life.  And I can write with the inspirations of all those substances.  It’s a holy experience getting fucked up.  It also makes you sick and I’ve got to get sober and quit the cigarettes.  For more than one reason.

But I guess this is the bottom.  I’m going all out with this writing thing and it’s driving me broke because to write I drink and smoke.  I have a good time and it makes me sick thereafter.  It’s not even a question if I sleep in on the days I don’t work.  I just hit snooze, turn the alarm off and go back to sleep.  It’s a habit.  One I would like to break.  Get up at 7 everyday and go running.  That should be one of my rituals.  And I need to turn my should’s into musts.  I must get up at 7 am every morning and go running.  I must also win the jackpot now.

But it’s now 3:49pm and I’ve smoked another bowl, helped my wife weed the outside patio and smoked two cigarettes.  They were my last two of the pack…. Not going to buy anymore.  I must stop smoking cigarettes.

I’m drinking another glass of wine though.  This writing on the blog is a good thing.  Give it away for free.  It’s genius to get a mailing list off a writer’s blog and send out 30 days of poetry, or writing… words to people.  Sell them a book in the process.  Make a million dollars off each book.  Mine is going to be a 7 part series.  It’s going to take me a couple decades to complete.  2 years for each book.  Maybe more.  If it took me 20 years I’d be 52 when I was finished.  I could and hope to live alot longer than 52, I’d like to live to be 100.  The voices tell me I’m going to get sick, that I am sick from all the substances.  I must be an outstanding success in all areas of my life.  I must win the jackpot now.  I MUST WIN THE JACKPOT NOW!  And you can win too, and I hope you do…. and there’s plenty of jackpots out there for everyone.  I love you and I want you to know that.  Thank you for reading.  Aww the voices say.

But write, that’s what I say, and make your fortune with your mind, with your thoughts.  I’m certain this is going to work out for me and I want you to be certain too.  Find what works.  You’ll fail along the way but that’s just the learning curve and be certain you’ll get to where your going.  For me I’m going towards a jackpot lottery win and a 7 part series of books about my life and my mind.  People want to read this shit, they tell me so.

But I had a good upbringing.  I met my wife young and didn’t know what the hell I was doing with my life but I got married anyways.  Totally irresponsible to start a family without a way to pay for them.. I fucked up and I’ve been trying to make it up ever since.  We’ve been married for 5 years.  It’s been a good five years but there’s been alot of ups and downs.  In the last 4 years it’s stabilized though.  It was a little rocky there for a while me acting the way I was.

But I told her about it all, I was honest with her and I told her I wouldn’t do it again, and that was enough for her to stay with me.  She just kept doing the laundry.  I’m fucked up and done some fucked up shit and that means I have some fucked up Karma.  It’s mostly good but there’s some bad in there too.  Some pretty fucked up and disgusting shit.  Like smoking cigarettes for 13 years. I started smoking right around the time I started going with my wife too.  Smoking is bad though and my wife is good.  In fact my wife is outstanding and I’m a very lucky guy.  She’s why I can afford to write a book.  All I have to pay is my credit card bill, the netflix, and the fee for this website.  Not much considering I don’t pay any of the mortgage. I must raise my standards so that I’m doing the supporting around here. I must win the jackpot now.  That would take care of things.  I would be an outstanding success in the area of finances.  It would be amazing.  And you can have it to.  You can MANIFEST THIS SHIT.  LOTTERY JACKPOT.  NOW.

But in about an hour an a half were going to be leaving to go to the carnival.  If that gives you any idea about who I am and the man I’ve become I’m spending time with my family.  We’re going to have pizza before we leave.  That’ll be good considering I’ve been drinking all this wine. My wife went shopping today and bought some food so that’s a good thing.  She’s an outstanding success.  She supports our family.  She’s the only one doing anything around here.  I help but I want to provide.  I want to be the sole provider.  I could do that winning the jackpot.  I must win the jackpot now.

But I’m still thinking about how I rocked it out last night and my finger was bleeding and I got a blister on the tip of my finger I was playing so passionately.  I was living like I was putting on a world class rock and roll show.  I paid 100 dollars to have that experience and get a quater of weed. Worth every penny.  When i win the lottery I’m going to get a band together and we’re going to rock out.  They say I have talent.  My dentist told me writing was a gift, that I was gifted.  She said that today.  She’s a very caring doctor.  The pain of going to get your cavities filled is a good pain that makes you stronger.  Everything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger they say… but getting your cavities filled is like running, it hurts when your doing it but it pays off long term.

I thought I was going to stop at 1200 words but I just kept writing.  When it’s good it’s good.  It’s outstanding.  My writing is an outstanding success.

You’ve got girls in your head the voice says.   I think that’s all for me now, going to eat pizza and go to the carnival with my wife, son and daughter. Thank you for reading, I love you because your a person and so am I and it benefits you to love yourself and you are just an extension of what I am, so therefore I love me, which means I love you.  It’s beautiful.  I love God too.  It’s fucked up and he’ll probably give me righteous discipline in this life, but I must win the lottery.  I must win the lottery jackpot.  I love you, good night….

And read on and explore the other posts if your interested and want to keep reading, I encourage you to jump in and transform.