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Tag: Smoking

Schizophrenia And Starting A Business Online

Some of the voices call me a faggot.  Sometimes I feel like I’m walking and talking like I’m gay.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be gay, my uncle is gay.  I do think that I’m not gay, I just may sometimes look like I’m gay.  Like today when I was doing a lunch delivery.

You see, I’ve been doing these sales calls and when I do the regular work in the store I feel like the sales calls effect me.  They effect how I look and speak.  Sometimes I think in business you might be better off queer as a schizophrenic.

Nevermind that, I have a wife and 2 kids.  I’m not gay.  I’ve entertained the idea of gay sex, but I’ve never really been able to jerk off to it, if that tells you anything.  I will say that jerking off is doctor recommended.  I’ve read it in a book my counselor recommended I buy.  I did buy it and I’ve read more than half of it, and it helps.  So does talk therapy and medication.

The jist of it is it isn’t easy.

If your working on personal issues when your trying to sell it becomes even more difficult.  That’s why personal development is so recommended for salespeople.  They say if you don’t have a daily program your in trouble.

I do have a daily program.  I try, oh I try, to make it happen everyday.  I fail miserably.  I smoke cigarettes at 5 in the morning and fail to go to work because I feel so sick from not sleeping and smoking.  This is a terrible disservice to me and my family, not to mention all that’s good in the world.

So as far as personal development goes, this schizophrenic is trying and suffering and failing.  When I make a decision to stop smoking, something gets in the way.  Today it was my car making noises.

Today I was driving around seeking sales at neighborhood schools and towards the end of it my car started making a machine gun sound coming out of the driver side front wheel well.  My car is old and it’s got over 215,000 miles on it, I don’t know how much longer it’s going to last.  I wasn’t thinking about the future spending all that money on alcohol, and cigarettes, and now I have a problem that I hope doesn’t exceed my $2,500 credit card limit.  That would take me up to $17,500, because I need a car to drive for my job.  That is, if it took that much.

The problem is I made a decision to quit smoking and start saving money and paying my credit card off in January of 2017.  It’s now September 7th, and I’m still smoking.  This is the life of a schizophrenic.

This blog will be my testament that I did it, that is if I ever do.  That I quit smoking, and don’t drink to excess, and paid my credit card bill off, and I’m exercising, and I’m making more money, and my life has gotten amazingly better, because I made those decisions.  I just have to keep holding out that I have it in me to do it, although the chest pains are almost becoming comfortable.

My mind is fucked up, and my writing shows it.  I hope only that you can get something out of this, from my first hand experience of schizophrenia and starting an online business.

I know this hasn’t been about online business.  It’s been about my day. But I seek to deliver the goods so this is the story about a schizophrenic who tries to start an online business.

You see (and they tell me to “see” often) it’s become apparent to me that starting an online business isn’t easy.

I would think it takes hard work, but I’ve been working hard, and I still am not seeing any money.  It’s been over a year since I started this website.  How do you start a business online?

My original thought, which is still my thought today, is you create quality, valuable content and you get people to subscribe to your email list because they like what you write so much.  This is my 108th post and I have 2 subscribers to date, myself and a close friend of mine who I asked personally to subscribe.  I figured that presidents vote for themselves so I should be subscribed to my own email list.  At any rate, I have only 2 subscribers to show for all the work I’ve put into this blog.  No one wants to subscribe.

So really, that’s for now, how it goes when your a schizophrenic and want to start a business online.

I think it’s time I spend some time doing housework and serving my family so I’m going to wrap this up.  For now  I want you to know that I believe I can do it, just that the road is rough.  I heard it in a song and I think it’s accurate.  I’m going to keep going and if you check back on this blog, or subscribe to the email list you’ll get updates and you’ll get to better know this schizophrenic’s story.

Thanks for reading and have a Great Day,

Jesse Creel

Working A Job To Pay The Bills

Nothing special here.  But I think you can make the mundane into something spectacular with your attitude.

“The greatest discovery of any generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.” ~ William James

So part of me thinks that  I just need to adopt the attitude that the drinking and smoking is good for me and that I’m better off with it than without it.

Because I’m doing it even though I want to stop.

I tried quitting this week.  Just led to more drinking and smoking.

I still work though, I still love my family, I still take care of my responsibilities.

You could say the drinking and the smoking ARE good things.

What can I teach you?

I can teach you how to read good work…. because if your drinking and smoking and feeling like it’s killing you, but are doing it anyway, you may as well write and see what comes of it.

Probably nothing will come of it at all…

But I don’t believe that’s true for me, and I don’t believe that’s true for you either.

I believe we have to work towards our dreams and making something great of ourselves.

Even if we’re not living by our values.  We can still do pretty good as drunks and addicts.

I guess that’s my message.

If your messed up, keep going, whether you have a choice or not depends on how deep you’ve gone.  Maybe it’s too late.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I like drinking and smoking and part of me wants to keep doing it.

What good is this for you?

What can this do for you?

Maybe you could call me entertainment.  Something to read.  Something to look at.  Something special to see.

I don’t know, you make the call.

What I can tell you is I love my life and anyone can do this, even if your drunk.

But I’m not drunk.

On most days I don’t get drunk, no matter how much I drink.

4 or 5 glasses of wine and I’m feeling better but not drunk.

This is probably just a reason to send me to rehab.  This blog.  But I think I can really make something of it.  I think I can make this my job.  GET PAID to do it.

We’ll see how it goes.  For now I’m just writing and hoping I can build an audience.

Judging by the comments I’m doing a pretty good job connecting with people, but I want to do a lot more.  I want YOU on my list.

And in order for that to happen I really have to write some pristine stuff.  Something of great value to you.  And I really want to do that.

Part of me thinks that I can entertain you with my delusions.

I’m a schizophrenic and most people won’t hear about this stuff when I talk to them in person, so what better place to put it down then my blog.

Maybe that’s a mistake, and it’s just going to piss you off that I put myself out there, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.  I might be able to touch people.

Like when I hear the voices and then I hear real people talking like the voices, not talking to me, but saying things out loud when I’m near them, that make me think they can hear what I’m thinking.

It’s all a delusion.  That’s part of the disease.  But you can really make it into a lifetime of spiritual experience if you adopt the attitude that the voices are a blessing.

Sure their are good voices and then there are bad voices, but the bad voices only serve to force you to find empowering meanings to the things that are happening to you.  So you can find good things in the bad things as well.  And plenty of bad voices talk to me on a regular basis.

Nothing really bad has happened to me in this life, so far.  In fact, I’ve been overwhelmingly blessed.  I have a beautiful wife and family.  2 kids.  A girl AND a boy!  I was so excited when I heard I was having a boy.  Thank God, someone who can replace me when I’m gone.

Not that having another girl wouldn’t have been a blessing.  It would have.  But we had a boy.

That was after a miscarriage, when we were going to have another girl.  But I guess that just wasn’t meant to be.  It disturbed my wife a little.  But we’re fine.

I’m telling you all of this because I like writing.  And because I think you might enjoy it.  And because I think that somehow, someway I could make money off of this blog. Is that really such a bad thing.

Some people would probably call me a scammer, selling overpriced information to the masses just to profit and watch the majority of them fail to their own detriment.

But I believe failure is just learning.  And that you MUST fail before you become successful, so really, who doesn’t want to fail.

But now the time has come for you and me to succeed.  I MUST succeed.  Success is my only option.  I am overly optimistic about the future.  I am going to be a success.  The world loves drinking and smoking.  There is nothing wrong with me.  This is NOT heroine.  I guess that’s just my justification.

Where do we go from here?

Improvement is the answer.

The voices tell me the answer is to die.  I just can’t believe that.  I can’t die.  I have a family.

The answer is to improve.

When the voices tell me to die, I think about how I can improve instead, because what else is there to do when you think your dying?

You can either go with the voices and visualize your life ending, or you can rise above it, be empowered, and think how you can improve your life.

When I ask myself how I can improve my life the voices tell me to quit smoking.  Maybe their right.  Maybe I will stop smoking.  But right now I’m addicted and can’t quit.

I spent my last $11.00 on cigarettes and a Rockstar energy drink.  This morning.

And I went to work and did my job.

And that’s what I’m going to do all week.  Go to work and do my job.  I have to be there at 10am tomorrow.  I might even get to do some sales calls this week and that would be good because I get mileage money.

But I guess I can’t expect you to listen to me when I’m only making $20,000.00 dollars dollars a year.

I’ve got to do better and make more.

Although that’s probably not going to happen.

So what do I have to do to improve?

I think I just have to write the best stuff on the planet so I can make my living off writing.

Or is that bullshit?

Is it bullshit to want to write for a living?

Many people I think would say no, it’s not bullshit.

But I think there would be some that say you should only do it for the art, and not to make money.

At this point I’m going to write whether I’m paid to do it or not, because I like to see the comments.

And I’m trying to split the atom here people.   I couldn’t do it with rock and roll so I’m giving writing a try.  Maybe I will come off better.

Because I’ve put it out there that I was the lead singer of Tigerstyle from the Old Bowie Town Grille.  I’m not going into that.

Other than to say I had a terrible time trying to be a rock and roll lead singer.

But I would do it again, and this time better, and we would make money from being a band.  People would WANT us to play for them.  And they would pay money to do so.  That’s just the way I see it.  And if I ever get rich and have time freedom, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.  I’m going to start another rock and roll band.

And make the absolute most of it that I could make.  Like I do with all other things in my life.  Make the most of them.  Make the most of my family, of my job, of my writing, of my drinking and smoking, of my walking, of my eating, of my showers, of my life.

This will be bad and good.  Writing all these things down for the internet.  My voices hear things I write on the blog and they tell me so.  It happens immediately.

As soon as I write it on the blog my voices are already talking about it.

But I can do it.  I know I can go to my job.  That’s really what this blog is about.  My job.  My income.  $20,000.00 a year.

I’d like to take it to $60,000.00 a year.  That would be a big jump and easy enough to fuel my drinking and smoking habit for as long as I wanted.  I would have to get a new job though and that would be scary.

I would definitely want some money saved up in case I didn’t sell and had to go back to my old job.

But the way I look at it is, I want to put at least another 3 years into my current job, and see if I can really take off as a salesman there, and then decide if I want to move or not.  They did tell me that I might be able to get an office job.  That would probably come with a raise and it might be worth it to stay.

I figure any job is a good job as long as your doing it.

And I can do my job.  I’m actually really good at it even though I’m a schizophrenic.  It’s incredibly easy work.  There’s no selling you HAVE to do in the store.  You just make sandwiches and sell ham and turkey.

I of course like to add an element of selling to everything I do.  So when I’m pulling ham and turkey out for people I’m really giving them the whole show.  The whole deal is designed to please the customer and I love being a part of that.  There is money involved and other people’s good feelings.  It’s really nice to be a part of.

This job is the second best job I’ve ever had, that I’ve done the best at.  The first was making guitars, and I got paid a lot more to do that than to sell hams…. but I couldn’t do it anymore.  I had to get out of there.  I really messed up for my to-be family.

But now I have the dream of writing and I’m optimistic that I can make it happen for myself.  For YOU, to make YOUR life better.  That’s what I want to do, because I figure that’s how you get paid.  Make people’s lives better, and you CAN get paid.

So really now, I can’t even play a lick on the guitar, even though I spent almost 15 years doing it.   I can however write to you and tell you how dear you are to me, and that I wish only great success, health, wealth, and wisdom for you.  Brings a tear to my eyes.

Because I know that you are just a part of me, and there is no better way to treat myself than to wish for my own success, health, wealth, and wisdom.  So go out there and make something of yourself that you can write about.  Go out there and blog and do the thing you were made to do.  Make it happen for yourself and your family and do the right things.  You can do it!  I believe in you!

Thank you for reading, you inspire me,

Jesse Creel

I Propose We Will Find A Way If We Merely Take Action

And the action I propose is writing.

You can grow a lot by writing, and get to know yourself better, so even if you didn’t make any money I believe it would still be worth doing.

But the point here, for me, and you, is to MAKE MONEY!  EARN MONEY!!

And I propose you can do that by being a valuable person, and by writing.  Take action and live the life of your dreams.

Maybe that means just paying your debts.  Maybe it means supporting your family.  Maybe it means giving to the church.  Maybe it means giving to your favorite organization.  It could mean anything, the choice is yours.

I say write. Write for your freedom.  Write for your independence.  Write for your riches.

It can be done, and all you have to do to find proof is to look at the world.  People everywhere are setting themselves free of the 9-5 and working as their own boss with people working for them!

Read “The Four Hour Workweek”.  It will change your life for the better.

The one thing that doesn’t work for me about that book though, is the mobility.  He says in order to live like a millionaire you have to be able to relocate, and that is not an option for me.

So I have to write the best stuff so I can please you so you’ll buy my stuff.  So I can quit my job and live a life of freedom.  And it wouldn’t take much to be able to quit my job.  I make less than 20,000 dollars a year.  I propose that I, or YOU, could make that in a month off of our writing.

And I’ve got to do it.  I must do it.  For my family and for my church.

And I’ve got to do it.  I must provide the best stuff in the world.  That’s my mission.  To make the best writing in the world.  All I know is that I get better with each day.

Here is a poem written by yours truly, Jesse Creel.

Ode To Writing

Oh how you make me live

Oh how I could make a better life

I dream of you, to be a better person

The drinking and the smoking stimulates you

But I don’t know how long I can go on this way

For the rest of my life?

I don’t know.

What I do know is that I must work my hourly job

Because I haven’t made it yet on the internet.

But I will make it on the internet,

and be successful.

Be a man of value.

That’s what I propose I can do.

And it’s simple, just live by your values

Oh my values.

The drinking and the smoking was a big part of my twenties

And so was rock and roll

And don’t you know

You have to write to be a rock and roller

So you drink and you smoke and you write.

That’s rock and roll.

And I haven’t stopped.

Still drinking and smoking, even though I want to stop.

To make my life better.

But I figure the best thing I can do is to write.

So here I am, with me and you, and we’re doing the thing.

Reading and writing.

I propose you could make a fortune doing it.

And have your glass of red a day.

It’s good for you.

And it could be good for the writing.

They say that there is a rich poetic tradition of drinking and writing.

I say the shit could kill you, but take courage.

I do it.

And I’m writing.

That’s my ticket.

I say no matter what’s happening you can write.

And you can get your ideas out there with the power of the internet and blogging,

And you could rule your world!

That’s what I say.

Do it, do the thing and you will have the power.

In this case the thing is writing.

Ode to writing, you make me live.

The drinking and the smoking doesn’t stop me.  I can do it.

Ode to writing,

The passion for improvement,

Can I do it living this way?

Must I change?

I think I must.

I must be the most valuable person on the planet.

And if I fall short, who will care?

I say strive to be the best of the best, and improve everyday, and who knows? You might get there!

Ode to writing, you make me live.

You bring me people, they have things to say.

Things to say about me.

I can grow with them, Ode to writing.

Even though I’m drinking and smoking, I’m still progressing.

I’m still making progress.

And I don’t know, this whole drinking and smoking thing could really be the fuel for the writing.

But it may come out like crap.  I don’t want that.  I want the most valuable stuff in the world.

And I want YOU to create the most valuable stuff in the world too!

We can do it together by reading and writing.  That’s what I say.  And maybe we’ll get rich with a network marketing company.  You never know what might happen!

Ode to writing, you make me want to sober up.  And you don’t.  I want to live for you, I want to give for you, Ode to writing, help me, help me now.

And I believe writing WILL help me.  I believe it’s my ticket out.  I believe I can help you.  I believe I can entertain you.  I believe I can be a business man for you.  I believe that we can do it all together.  We can mastermind.

Ode to writing, this is my poem.

It’s for writing, it’s for my family, it’s for you, my audience.  It’s for people who want to write, and do so whatever is going on in their life.  It’s for the people who are moved to make a better life for themselves by becoming more valuable.

And isn’t writing valuable?

I would say that it is.  And it’s one of the most powerful things you can do as a human being to make your life better.

Ode to writing, it’s not all that bad.  You make me smile, and I am grateful for you.  Thank you writing for all you have given me.


That’s my poem.

I hope you enjoyed it, it came off the cuff, as most of my stuff does.

I hope you like my stuff and I hope you want more.  Furthermore I hope that you will gladly pay money to have MORE of my stuff, in full length, ready for your consumption.

I will have that stuff for you, IF you want it.  It’s coming.  And together I believe we can grow and become better people.

But this is only a start, there is much yet to come.

So stay tuned, and sign up for the updates to so that you can get the latest blog posts sent right to your email address.

Thanks for reading and God Bless.  Love you,

Jesse Creel

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