It’s 8am on Sunday morning, July 2nd. In my sleep I don’t hear voices. It’s the only time I get a break. When I wake up music is going through my head and the voices start talking to me. I don’t believe anything they tell me anymore.
They tell me I’m going to win the lottery, they tell me I’m going to die at an early age in a lot of pain, they tell me I’m going to get murdered, they tell me to cheat on my wife, they tell me to smoke and not to smoke, they tell me I’m going to get Cancer, they tell me to sell, they tell me to work with my hands instead of selling, it’s a rollercoaster ride.
I talk to them. That’s how I deal with it. I have an inner dialogue with the voices. I tell them what I think of them. I tell them I’m faithful, healthy, that I’m going to quit smoking, that I’m going to be a success on this blog, that I’m going to quit playing the lottery, and that I’m going to work. It’s a hell ride keeping up with the voices because they always seem to be reading my doubts about myself, and they are fast at speaking. I am constantly managing them and it’s exhausting. The silver lining, and there always is one, is that the schizophrenia makes me stronger. It makes me know what I want and what I do not want, and then it’s up to me to take the actions necessary to move me closer to those things that I do want.
If you have a mild case of schizophrenia as I do, my suggestion would be to work hourly with your hands, at a place where your bosses like you. If your like me your bosses voices will get in your head and they will be positive telling you things like “work” and “be good”. My bosses want me at work, and that is a blessing. I have had a lot of jobs where I felt like I wasn’t wanted there, and it depressed me. The schizophrenia only added to those feelings, and I became overwhelmed. If you want to work, you must find a place where you feel like you can fit in. If I can do it, you can do it too.
If you can work, you have the cornerstone of success to build on. I am a leading learner, and I’m here to teach you that you can work, and then you can come home and work harder on yourself than you do at your job. For me, working on myself means I read, journal, do affirmations, work on this blog, exercise by walking, doing pushups, crunches, squats, listen to helpful podcasts that are going to help me succeed online, visualization, love my family everyday, and other things that are set up to make my life as productive and as helpful to other people as possible. I set up a to-do list and put it inside of a frame and hung it above my dresser so I can see it every morning. So far it has helped me stay focused on systems that are going to move me in a positive direction in life.
I read in “Tools of Titans” two things from two different people. The first one said that there is a difference between dreams and goals. Dreams you can’t really do anything about, but goals you can take action and move towards. I thought that was good advice. Then came the second piece of advice. It said that “losers have goals, winners have systems”. That at first seemed like conflicting advice to me, especially because I liked the idea of having goals instead of dreams, so that I could set up my life to work on success like I want. Later, it occurred to me that it really wasn’t contradictory, that the second piece of advice was just building on the first. Goals you can work towards, but when you have systems in place (like reading for a half hour a day, and blogging everyday) you will move towards creating the life you want to make for yourself. It’s not about the goal. It’s about setting your actions up so that each day you are building something of value. So my to-do list as mentioned above is set up to create those systems in my everyday life. I am becoming more productive, and I am growing. As a mild schizophrenic, simply having those systems in place, and taking action on them everyday is an accomplishment. The results don’t matter. What matters is that I’m taking the right actions!
So I’ll leave you with the recommendation to work hourly, and grow yourself and know yourself with a blog. Do your best each day to serve others and do it for the sake of being good, without expectation of a reward. Serve simply to be of service. I know being useful to others makes me feel good, and it feels like it’s the right thing to do with my time on earth.
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