I’m writing this post because I’m fascinated with the internet.  I could be working on my book and putting the time in there but I can always get to that.  I can get 2 pages in about 2 hours.  That’s my goal everyday.  Two pages in the book.  I’ve been writing it since the beginning of the year.  I probably have about 125 pages now.  Though I’ve lost count now.  I’m going to print out a copy I can edit in January.

My father in law told me when I edited it to make sure it flowed.  That actually happened, it wasn’t in my head.  A lot of the shit I hear happens when I’m writing, and smoking, and drinking.  I’m having a glass of rum right now.  It’s pinapple.  My wife bought it when we were at the beach.  I basically drink whatever’s in the house.  I’m going to make a video you can watch, about me… after this blog post.  I like that you have to read before you watch the video.  It gives you something to work with while your watching.  Youtube videos are fascinating ways to grow in your life.

But write on this blog, market to the world.  Market myself.  Me, and my book.  If the people like the blog and they like the videos they may want to buy the book.   And they will be able to do that.  At least that’s what I’m certain of.

But I’m drinking rum and smoking cigarettes and smoking pot because I’m feeling down and a better word for that would be underwhelmed.  I learned that from Tony Robbins, to change the words you use to describe yourself.  I was feeling blue and I thought instead it made me feel underwhelmed and that was the word I would use.  It actually did make me feel better about it.  But I need to stop.  I need to get sober and start working out 5 times a week.  Running 2 miles 5 times a week.  The voices tell me then I would be in just regular shape.  I think it would be an outstanding success.  That’s what I’m going for in my life… outstanding successes…. and anyone can do the same thing.  It’s magical. You and I make the winning touchdown…. and you write a book and sell a million copies of it…. and write other books that also sell a million copies of it, because you have a following of buyers who will buy your book even if they can get it for free.  Just to have a copy, and maybe a copy to give.

But this is my life, writing and drinking… it’s what I do.  Lay out in the sun the voices say.  It’s a female voice and I think all the female voices in my head are sexy.  Isn’t that special she says, and then she says that we have a writer on our hands.  I don’t think I hear the voices as much when I’m not drinking or smoking.  That’s part of the reason being on disability would be such a blessing, but they most likely would never give me assistance when I can work 25 hours a week and 50 on the holidays.  The holidays only come a few times a year, and the rest is part time work… so disability would help but I don’t think they would ever give it to me, that is unless they heard about my family.  And my credit card debt…. and want to help me out.

But i’m a mild schizophrenic and I’ve never been hospitalized.  I’ve wanted to go to the hospital before, but when it really came time to go, I decided I had to find a job just to pay to live.  I was going to work for Dominos at one point… but the crew was all very young and I didn’t think I would fit in there… they all wanted to have fun and me just being old and tired.  The place I work at now is a great fit though.  I only have to work part time hours for most of the year and they love me there.  They call me outstanding.

But if I could make as much as I want to make on the books then I won’t need disability.  They don’t consider you disabled no matter what you have going on if you can make 1000 dollars a month.   I’ve got the hiccups I’m trying to silence with wine.  It’s not working.  I want to think up ways of how I could be more exciting.

Like writing at the beach.  Drinking frozen rum drinks, the red ones and writing in the shade.  I probably couldn’t do that with the kids on the beach.  Being a parent really kills you sometimes.  It also makes you live.  Live like you never lived before.  Change things the voice says.

My grandmother thinks the voices are good for me because their helping me to stop smoking.  I’ve gone 2 weeks in the last month without smoking them.  I want to stop again and just be over it… but i could definately go another week without them.  Not smoke at work.  I was going to go outside and smoke another one but I unconionciously sat down at the chair and started to type.  I still want one.  His voice says I can have one now.  I need to make sure I stay steady on my medications.  I’m pretty good about taking them everyday.  Want to keep that up.  I think they help.  I’m better.  I’m outstanding now.  I have alot to look forward to.  Family wife.  My daughter getting married, Charlie having girlfriends and maybe getting married.  I don’t know what he’ll want to do.  I guess getting married is up to him, but I would advise him to have his things in order before he gets married and not do it like me, after getting fired from a job I could have worked my whole life at.  The voice, her voice says I’m leaving someone and someone else too.  I don’t know what their talking about.  They tell me there was something bad with my  last employer and that it was racial.  I halluiciante a ceiling fan.  It moves in shadows.

The voices tell me to try to be clean and I agree with them.. I still want to drink the wine I just bought for the weekend and the writing… I figured I only had to drink 2 glasses of wine to get the pages I needed and I could stop after that.  Some times I would continue on and sometimes I would stop.  I think after this drunk I’ll be ready to quit it.  The voice tells me I’m battling for my life.  Don’t nod out of me they say.  I felt like nodding out at work today.  I get to sit down after all the work is done and just wait on customers.  I wanted to fall asleep sitting with my brother while he ate his cheesesteak.  He loves cheesesteaks.  Gets them from everywhere.  Only eats the fat part of the fries… I hear my brothers voice tell me it’s a heart hasard to be smoking…  He does love those cheesesteaks.  I like em too.

TIme goes quick when your writing.  It only takes the readers minutes to read what you wrote that took you hours.  My dentist tells me it’s a gift that I can write…. which means not everyone can do it… but I think everyone can do it…. and everyone can make a million dollars off a book.  I think it’s not only possible, but probable when you put you mind and your work effort into it and pump it out all the time.

Negative the voice says, theres no pleasing it now… it wants what it wants and it wants to think a certain way.  I don’t know what their talking about with the Hemmingway and everything.  Famous writer maybe.  In the end he kills himself with a shotgun and my voices say so.  I want to smoke another cigarette and drink another glass of wine… In that order, but I want to have the wine with me when I’m smoking.  It’s a not so good habit that I need to break so I can be free of the bill for it.

But I just smoked another cigarette and got another glass of wine.  I gave myself another 12 minutes to write before I make the video, well see what comes out, another minute has already passed.  Im going through a coughing spell and it makes me feel like throwing up.  I feel lightheaded now.  But writing is a way some people make their living.  They even make enough to do what they want, with who they want, whenever they want… and that is the lifestyle I MUST have.  No matter which way it comes.  But I must write, even though I feel sick, like I work.  I’m doing outstanding though, at my work now.  I feel so sick i’m about to pour out the glass of wine I just poured.  It came on suddenly and I dont’ feel good.  I may have to cut you a raincheck for the video, go upstairs and rest.

I love you, good nite.

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