Nothing special here. But I think you can make the mundane into something spectacular with your attitude.
“The greatest discovery of any generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.” ~ William James
So part of me thinks that I just need to adopt the attitude that the drinking and smoking is good for me and that I’m better off with it than without it.
Because I’m doing it even though I want to stop.
I tried quitting this week. Just led to more drinking and smoking.
I still work though, I still love my family, I still take care of my responsibilities.
You could say the drinking and the smoking ARE good things.
What can I teach you?
I can teach you how to read good work…. because if your drinking and smoking and feeling like it’s killing you, but are doing it anyway, you may as well write and see what comes of it.
Probably nothing will come of it at all…
But I don’t believe that’s true for me, and I don’t believe that’s true for you either.
I believe we have to work towards our dreams and making something great of ourselves.
Even if we’re not living by our values. We can still do pretty good as drunks and addicts.
I guess that’s my message.
If your messed up, keep going, whether you have a choice or not depends on how deep you’ve gone. Maybe it’s too late. I don’t know. What I do know is that I like drinking and smoking and part of me wants to keep doing it.
What good is this for you?
What can this do for you?
Maybe you could call me entertainment. Something to read. Something to look at. Something special to see.
I don’t know, you make the call.
What I can tell you is I love my life and anyone can do this, even if your drunk.
But I’m not drunk.
On most days I don’t get drunk, no matter how much I drink.
4 or 5 glasses of wine and I’m feeling better but not drunk.
This is probably just a reason to send me to rehab. This blog. But I think I can really make something of it. I think I can make this my job. GET PAID to do it.
We’ll see how it goes. For now I’m just writing and hoping I can build an audience.
Judging by the comments I’m doing a pretty good job connecting with people, but I want to do a lot more. I want YOU on my list.
And in order for that to happen I really have to write some pristine stuff. Something of great value to you. And I really want to do that.
Part of me thinks that I can entertain you with my delusions.
I’m a schizophrenic and most people won’t hear about this stuff when I talk to them in person, so what better place to put it down then my blog.
Maybe that’s a mistake, and it’s just going to piss you off that I put myself out there, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. I might be able to touch people.
Like when I hear the voices and then I hear real people talking like the voices, not talking to me, but saying things out loud when I’m near them, that make me think they can hear what I’m thinking.
It’s all a delusion. That’s part of the disease. But you can really make it into a lifetime of spiritual experience if you adopt the attitude that the voices are a blessing.
Sure their are good voices and then there are bad voices, but the bad voices only serve to force you to find empowering meanings to the things that are happening to you. So you can find good things in the bad things as well. And plenty of bad voices talk to me on a regular basis.
Nothing really bad has happened to me in this life, so far. In fact, I’ve been overwhelmingly blessed. I have a beautiful wife and family. 2 kids. A girl AND a boy! I was so excited when I heard I was having a boy. Thank God, someone who can replace me when I’m gone.
Not that having another girl wouldn’t have been a blessing. It would have. But we had a boy.
That was after a miscarriage, when we were going to have another girl. But I guess that just wasn’t meant to be. It disturbed my wife a little. But we’re fine.
I’m telling you all of this because I like writing. And because I think you might enjoy it. And because I think that somehow, someway I could make money off of this blog. Is that really such a bad thing.
Some people would probably call me a scammer, selling overpriced information to the masses just to profit and watch the majority of them fail to their own detriment.
But I believe failure is just learning. And that you MUST fail before you become successful, so really, who doesn’t want to fail.
But now the time has come for you and me to succeed. I MUST succeed. Success is my only option. I am overly optimistic about the future. I am going to be a success. The world loves drinking and smoking. There is nothing wrong with me. This is NOT heroine. I guess that’s just my justification.
Where do we go from here?
Improvement is the answer.
The voices tell me the answer is to die. I just can’t believe that. I can’t die. I have a family.
The answer is to improve.
When the voices tell me to die, I think about how I can improve instead, because what else is there to do when you think your dying?
You can either go with the voices and visualize your life ending, or you can rise above it, be empowered, and think how you can improve your life.
When I ask myself how I can improve my life the voices tell me to quit smoking. Maybe their right. Maybe I will stop smoking. But right now I’m addicted and can’t quit.
I spent my last $11.00 on cigarettes and a Rockstar energy drink. This morning.
And I went to work and did my job.
And that’s what I’m going to do all week. Go to work and do my job. I have to be there at 10am tomorrow. I might even get to do some sales calls this week and that would be good because I get mileage money.
But I guess I can’t expect you to listen to me when I’m only making $20,000.00 dollars dollars a year.
I’ve got to do better and make more.
Although that’s probably not going to happen.
So what do I have to do to improve?
I think I just have to write the best stuff on the planet so I can make my living off writing.
Or is that bullshit?
Is it bullshit to want to write for a living?
Many people I think would say no, it’s not bullshit.
But I think there would be some that say you should only do it for the art, and not to make money.
At this point I’m going to write whether I’m paid to do it or not, because I like to see the comments.
And I’m trying to split the atom here people. I couldn’t do it with rock and roll so I’m giving writing a try. Maybe I will come off better.
Because I’ve put it out there that I was the lead singer of Tigerstyle from the Old Bowie Town Grille. I’m not going into that.
Other than to say I had a terrible time trying to be a rock and roll lead singer.
But I would do it again, and this time better, and we would make money from being a band. People would WANT us to play for them. And they would pay money to do so. That’s just the way I see it. And if I ever get rich and have time freedom, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I’m going to start another rock and roll band.
And make the absolute most of it that I could make. Like I do with all other things in my life. Make the most of them. Make the most of my family, of my job, of my writing, of my drinking and smoking, of my walking, of my eating, of my showers, of my life.
This will be bad and good. Writing all these things down for the internet. My voices hear things I write on the blog and they tell me so. It happens immediately.
As soon as I write it on the blog my voices are already talking about it.
But I can do it. I know I can go to my job. That’s really what this blog is about. My job. My income. $20,000.00 a year.
I’d like to take it to $60,000.00 a year. That would be a big jump and easy enough to fuel my drinking and smoking habit for as long as I wanted. I would have to get a new job though and that would be scary.
I would definitely want some money saved up in case I didn’t sell and had to go back to my old job.
But the way I look at it is, I want to put at least another 3 years into my current job, and see if I can really take off as a salesman there, and then decide if I want to move or not. They did tell me that I might be able to get an office job. That would probably come with a raise and it might be worth it to stay.
I figure any job is a good job as long as your doing it.
And I can do my job. I’m actually really good at it even though I’m a schizophrenic. It’s incredibly easy work. There’s no selling you HAVE to do in the store. You just make sandwiches and sell ham and turkey.
I of course like to add an element of selling to everything I do. So when I’m pulling ham and turkey out for people I’m really giving them the whole show. The whole deal is designed to please the customer and I love being a part of that. There is money involved and other people’s good feelings. It’s really nice to be a part of.
This job is the second best job I’ve ever had, that I’ve done the best at. The first was making guitars, and I got paid a lot more to do that than to sell hams…. but I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to get out of there. I really messed up for my to-be family.
But now I have the dream of writing and I’m optimistic that I can make it happen for myself. For YOU, to make YOUR life better. That’s what I want to do, because I figure that’s how you get paid. Make people’s lives better, and you CAN get paid.
So really now, I can’t even play a lick on the guitar, even though I spent almost 15 years doing it. I can however write to you and tell you how dear you are to me, and that I wish only great success, health, wealth, and wisdom for you. Brings a tear to my eyes.
Because I know that you are just a part of me, and there is no better way to treat myself than to wish for my own success, health, wealth, and wisdom. So go out there and make something of yourself that you can write about. Go out there and blog and do the thing you were made to do. Make it happen for yourself and your family and do the right things. You can do it! I believe in you!
Thank you for reading, you inspire me,
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Stab writer's block in the heart.